HOW TO BE CALM

..Are you filled with self-loathing and paranoia? Is your life one long silent scream of rage and resentment? Do you feel as though every day hideous ego-mutilations and psychic amputations are being performed upon you? Do you have dreams in which your mouth is sewn up and your limbs and organs are removed one by one until all that's left of you are your pain-filled eyes staring in horror at what has been done to you and mutely framing the question Why? forever and ever?
..Do you look in the mirror and want to perform cosmetic surgery on yourself with a hedge-trimmer? Do you think Franz Kafka was too upbeat? Do you scurry furtively along streets like a hunted animal, your guts knotted with fear, hated by everyone, chased by the mocking laughter of girls, men, old people, children and priests? Do you believe that the world is the plaything of bastards, thieves, whores and murderers and that you were born to be their victim always and forever? If your boss asks you to do something, do you look to see if he has an erection from ordering you around? Do you think about stapling his tie to his forehead? Or his tongue? His tongue would be better. Do you think you are the only sane person left? The only human in a world of cruel and savage carnivores? Do you think you must be the most evil person who has ever lived and you deserve to be degraded and shat on and submerged in slime? Do you get tense toenails? Does the speaking clock hate you? Does God hate you? Would Mother Theresa have punched you and spat on you if you'd ever met? Do you feel as though you are strapped to a conveyor belt hurtling you towards some hideous and inescapable doom you probably deserve anyway? Trapped in the toils of a vast and elaborate mechanism designed to grind you into tiny pieces? Do you feel like you're always walking across a very thin sheet of ice which could crack at any moment, dropping you down to drown forever in an infinite inky-black lake of unnameable horror?
..Well for Christ's sake snap out of it. Jesus, you're worse than I am.
..What you need is to be calm. Here is a page to help you do that, full of simple but effective relaxation techniques. Practise them daily and soon you will be as well-balanced and together as me.
..I have taken cues from various popular works on relaxation and self-help, but nothing I could be sued for. Incidentally, why the hell is the Little Book of Calm so small and easy to misplace? The number of times I've ended up smashing up my room with a cricket bat looking for the fucker, yelling, "Come out, you evil little paper turd, I'll kill you when I find you!" Also, if you read it for long enough it starts to look like it's a normal-sized book and you've got huge hands, very calming I don't think. And for those of us with unpublished manuscripts lying around, the mere fact that such mindless pap can sell 2 billion copies is enough to make you want to run amok with an axe. Little Book of Bastard, more like.
..But we are being calm now.

The Joy of Calm

WEAR A BIG GRIN

..A smile a day keeps the electro-shocks away!
..Smiling can help you through any stressful situation. When your boss calls you a cretin, grin. On crowded public transport, smile manically at the people around you until your cheeks start to hurt. They'll feel so friendly they'll move up to give you lots of room!

WAGGLE YOUR EARS

It's impossible to be unhappy whilst waggling your ears. If you can't do it, get someone else to do it for you!

TALK WITH A SOFT VOICE

A really sinister one like Donald Pleasance's. Stare intently at people's jugular veins or the place where their ears join onto their heads.
..You'll be surprised by the increased respect you get.

BARRICADE THE DOOR

..Every day, shut yourself away for a while and attend to your own needs.
..Masturbation is nature's own way of easing stresses and strains.
..Do it for at least an hour a day.

MAKE A DATE TO ARGUE

..If you have a disagreement with someone, don't have it out there and then. Arrange to meet later to discuss it when you're both in a calmer frame of mind. Get there early and be waiting for them with a baseball bat.

CHOOSE YOUR COMPANY CAREFULLY

..It sounds harsh, but avoid people who are good-looking or successful or naturally happy, as they can be very depressing to be around. Hang out with glowering wretches like yourself instead. Make friends with people uglier than you, if there is anyone, which there probably isn't.

LISTEN TO YOUR HEARTBEAT

..Is that a slight arrhythmia? You'll probably be dead soon. You'll have no problems then.

THINK OF SOMETHING POSITIVE

..Make a list of ten people who have achieved something with their lives. Now imagine them all on a mini-bus going over a cliff. Imagine their screams as they lie mangled in the burning wreckage. Grin. Waggle your ears.

STEAL SOMEONE'S PEN

..Rather than harbouring grudges or engaging in stressful confrontations, get back at annoying bosses or workmates by stealing something belonging to them or hiding rotting food in their desk.

MAKE FRIENDS WITH A MASSEUSE

..Or a lapdancer.

DO TAI CHI

..This soothing brand of herbal tea is available at most health shops.

DO THAI WEED

..The THCs in cannabis are nature's own magic recipe for calmness.

ELIMINATE THE NEGATIVE

..As much as possible try and use positive words, such as 'Yes', 'Oui', 'Javoll', etc. Avoid negative words like 'No', 'Non', 'Nein', etc. If you absolutely have to use negative words, be vibrant and upbeat about them. If your boss asks you if you've completed a project you should have finished three days ago and you haven't, cheerfully tell him, "Good Christ, no!" and grin. Then steal his pen.

VISUALIZE SUCCESS

..If there is something you want to make happen, visualize it happening.
..For example, if you want to ask someone out on a date, visualize yourself asking them. Visualize them saying yes. Visualize the date being a great success. Visualize them coming back to your place and taking their clothes off. Visualize them lying on your bed in an attitude of erotic abandon. Now barricade the door.
..This is much safer than really asking them out. They would have just laughed at you anyway.

SMOKE LIKE A CHIMNEY

..Smoking is relaxing, and it gives you something to do with your hands. Otherwise, they'd be fidgeting around and people might notice how gnarled and ugly they are.

HAVE A SECRET

..Having a secret none of your workmates know is healthy for your ego.
..It could be quite a big secret, like sending death threats to establishment figures or selling dope to schoolchildren.
..Or it could just be a cute little secret, like coming to work in rubber underwear, or having milk-bottle tops sellotaped to your nipples, or keeping a Cadbury's Mini-Egg in your belly-button.
..Now look at those peasants surrounding you. They don't know.

SNIFF SOME KNICKERS

..Sniffing knickers is nature's way of releasing calming hormones. That's why racing drivers wear them over their faces.

TAKE A BREAK FROM THE ROUTINE

..At work, sit at someone else's desk for a change. Pretend to be them. Mimic all their mannerisms and only respond to their name. Follow them home and try to sleep with their spouse.

HAVE A DIVINE MISSION

..Feeling you have a divine mission to punish wrongdoers or lead the world towards the light is beneficial for your self-esteem. And if you let other people know about it, they will be more careful of your feelings.
..Practise muttering something like this: 'I am Jehu son of Nimshi, appointed by Elijah to slay all sons of Baal.'

MORE MASTURBATION

..Did I say to do it for an hour a day? Try two and then build up to four. Do it on stressful bus and train journeys. Remember to smile at people.

PRETEND YOU ARE A GOLDFISH

..Open and close your mouth. Have to have things repeated to you every 4 seconds. Waggle your ears.

HIDE IN CUPBOARDS

..It's really fun.

DON'T EAT SENSIBLY

..Pretend your elbow joints don't bend and you have to throw food towards your mouth. You'll be surprised how much more fun mealtimes become. In a canteen or restaurant, it will make you lots of new friends.

LICK A BALD PERSON'S HEAD

..Licking scalps is nature's way of releasing natural endorphins.

CALL AN OLD WOMAN A SLUT

..You'll be surprised how empowered you feel.

LAUGH HYSTERICALLY AT NOTHING

..Suddenly sober up. Cry.

AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION

..Taking fewer breaths is very relaxing.
..Don't barricade the door in case the police need to get in.

BE A WINDMILL

..Wave your arms around like the sails of a beautiful big windmill. Isn't that fun? Now run down the street like that blowing raspberries at people. Now take your pants off.
..Mental hospitals are very relaxing places.

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(September 99)