*(Content caution - strong language)
Crochet Crossroads Home
Crochet Talk:
Subfolder: Requests for Help:
Topic: Tea Cosy Pattern??
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DORA
Hi! I'm new to the board and I'm looking for a pattern for a tea-cosy. I wanted to do something slightly different. I had an idea that maybe I could do an elephant and the trunk would be the spout. Does anyone know of a pattern like that or something similar?
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Marsha
Dora, I can't help but I just want to say welcome. Pull up a seat and enjoy your stay : )
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Lydia
Dora, have you tried the Crochet Central site? I can't find anything exactly like that but maybe there's something you could adapt
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FELICE-3
> I'm looking for a pattern for a tea-cosy.
>I wanted to do something slightly different.
Yeah. Lotsa luck with that
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DORA
I'm sorry?
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Marsha
Ignore Felice. She's been banned twice already
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FELICE-3
Right. Ignore me if you want to fit in here. Go with the happy people from Camp Bland, otherwise the Crochet Police will be on your ass
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DORA
Lydia, thanks, I've tried there. They have patterns for generic cozies, and one for a toy elephant but too small and not in the position I want. Nothing that combines the two. Any suggestions?
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Marsha
Dora, if it's an animal teapot you want, I have an adorable pattern for a child's hat with a sheep on. Maybe you could do that with holes for the spout and handle?
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FELICE-3
That's right. Fob her off with the frigging sheep-hat pattern again. Another victim to the crocheted straitjacket of conformity
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Marsha
Shouldn't you be working on your crochet version of the Siege of Stalingrad (giggle)
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Adele
Yes, how's that coming along, felice? ; )
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FELICE-3
Fuck you, you squares. Go on, stick with your doilies and cushions. Deep down you all wear the sheep-hat every moment of your lives. The thought of any crochet with balls frightens you.
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DORA
I really don't want to start any arguments!
I really just wondered if anyone could help me make an elephant tea-cosy
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FELICE-3
Dora,
I'd love to help you - and then again, even if I could, I wouldn't. You have to find the path to fulfil your vision yourself. If it takes you a lifetime, so be it.
And it wasn't you, honey, these assholes started it long ago.
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Marsha
Oh? Who started the death-threats?
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FELICE-3
If I ever threaten you, you'll know about it, bitch. I merely commented that it would be a shame if you were found face-down with your hooks through your fucking neck. You started it when your little clique banned the Born Again Christian Crochet Movement en masse.
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Marsha
They violated the rules. They posted hate-speech.
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FELICE-3
They posted crochet patterns! Since when is crochet code hate speech?
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Marsha
Patterns for an aborted foetus crying, and a sweater with the slogan 'God hates fags'!!?
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Adele
And the pattern that turned out to be a crochet Protocols of the Elders of Zion bedspread that gave Mrs. Weiss a heart-attack when she finished it?
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FELICE-3
You never proved that Aryan Crochet twat was anything to do with the fundies.
Their politics gave me the creeps but it's the principle. They had fire in their bellies, a vision of what crocheting could be. THAT was what you couldn't stand
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Lydia
Felice, personally I didn't vote to ban them but you must admit everyone's better off now they have their own place. The constant sniping between them and the Pornography in Crochet faction was tearing the forum apart.
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FELICE-3
And then you banned them too, and now the place is a fucking morgue
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Lydia
Well, you must admit that crochet dildo cosy was a bit much
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Marsha
Not to mention the crochet Tribute To Deep Throat pattern that gave Mrs Weiss her second heart attack.
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FELICE-3
Face it, anyone who goes off-pattern, down comes the hammer
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Adele
If you hate this place so much, why do you keep coming back here?
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Marsha
Yes, Felice, why waste your time on us? Go back to the Siege of Stalingrad (snigger)
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FELICE-3
Oh, that. Didn't I mention? I finished it months ago
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FELICE-3
Here, I'll post a picture
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FELICE-3
Heh. That shut you up
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Lydia
Why are there buttons down the front of it? What do they represent?
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FELICE-3
Why are there buttons??? um, to keep the cardigan shut, genius
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Adele
It's a cardigan? You said you were making a searing statement depicting the misery of total war
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FELICE-3
So??? I'm depicting the misery of total war and also keeping my tits warm
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FELICE-3
Morons
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Marsha
That's the most inept piece of crocheting I've seen in a long time
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FELICE-3
Hey - put this on your hook and crochet it -
Row 1: With 2 strands of sports weight held tog., and G hook, ch 12, hdc in 3rd ch from hook, hdc in next 8 chs., 3 hdc in last ch; working on opposite side of starting ch, hdc in last 10 chs., turn (23hdc).
Row 2: Working the foll. rows in BACK LOOPS only, ch 2, hdc in next 9 sts., 2 hdc in next st., 3 hdc in next st., 2 hdc in next st, hdc in last 10 sts., turn. (27).
Row 3: Ch 2, hdc in next 10 sts, 2 hdc in next st., hdc in next st., 3 hdc in next st., hdc in next st., 2 hdc in next st., hdc in last 11 sts., turn. (31)
Row 4: Ch 2, hdc in next 8 sts., (2 hdc in next st, hdc in next 2 sts) 2 times, 3 hdc in next st., (hdc in each of next 2 sts., 2 hdc in next st ) 2 times, hdc in last 9 sts., turn. (37).
Row 5: Ch 2, hdc in next 9 sts., (2 hdc in next st., hdc in next 3 sts ) 2 times, 3 hdc in next st., (hdc in each of next 3 sts., 2 hdc in next st ) 2 times, hdc in last 10 sts., turn. (43).
Row 6: Ch 2, hdc in next 10 sts., 2 hdc in next st., hdc in next 4 sts., 2 hdc in next st., hdc in next 9 sts., 2 hdc in next st., hdc in next 4 sts., 2 hdc in next st., hdc in last 11 sts., turn. (47).
Row 7: Ch 2, hdc in next 8 sts., 2 hdc in next st., (hdc in next 5 sts., 2 hdc in next st., hdc in next 4 sts., 2 hdc in next st ) 2 times, hdc in next 5 sts., 2 hdc in next st., hdc in last 9 sts., turn. (53).
Row 8: Ch 2 , hdc in next 22 sts., 2 hdc in next st., hdc in next 5 sts., 2 hdc in next st., hdc in last 23 sts., turn. (55).
Row 9: Ch 2, hdc in next 16 sts., 2 hdc in next st., hdc in next 6 sts., 2 hdc in next st., hdc in next 5 sts., 2 hdc in next st., hdc in next 6 sts., 2 hdc in next st., hdc in last 17 sts., turn. (59).
Row 10: Ch 2, hdc in next 9 sts., (2 hdc in next st., hdc in next 7 sts.,) 2 times, 2 hdc in next st., hdc in next 5 sts., 2 hdc in next st., (hdc in next 7 sts., 2 hdc in next st) 2 times, hdc in last 10 sts., turn. (65).
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Marsha
You DISGUSTING FOUL-MOUTHED BITCH! Against my better judgement I followed those instructions and I have never crocheted anything so evil in my life! That's it, you're banned again.
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28th July 08
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NB
Arse on it! This is passe now. This wasn't inspired by this sort of thing, I've been trying to finish this for bloody months and now reality has overtaken it. Still I spent a day hunched over photoshop with my tongue protruding from the corner of my mouth so I'm damn well posting it anyway.