Last night's broadcast [promoted] the party's vision of a green future... But subtitles for a Ukip broadcast, which [attacked] the European Union, were screened simultaneously.
"We're not letting [the Greens] put their subtitles on our broadcast, though. Although we have a green octopus in our broadcast. It swims up the Thames and swallows the Houses of Parliament," [a UKIP spokesman] added.
- Guardian, April 29th
I cannot express how excited I am by both the above developments and I demand that all political parties be made to adopt these practices in their remaining broadcasts to liven up what's left of the election. Imagine how much more interesting something like the following would be:
There now follows a Party Political Broadcast by the Labour Party, with subtitles by the Conservative Party
[SCENE: a cosy little room. TONY BLAIR and GORDON BROWN look at each other adoringly, or at any rate without throwing up]
BLAIR: It's a relationship that works.
BROWN: You're so right mate. Everything we've achieved we've achieved together.
CAPTION: I BET IT'S SPLIT-SCREEN PHOTOGRAPHY. THEY'RE PROBABLY NOT EVEN IN THE SAME ROOM
BROWN: Obviously there are going to be disagreements, but at the end of the day it's about what's best for the country.
BLAIR: You are the wind beneath my wings. You've lost weight, haven't you?
BROWN: Thanks for noticing.
CAPTION: DO YOU CARE ABOUT THIS AT ALL? RIGHT NOW THEY EXPECT YOU TO BE SLOBBERING, 'THEY ARE FRIENDS! HURRR! WE MUST VOTE FOR THEYYYY'
BLAIR: I feel like I've always known you.
BROWN: I could tell you anything and it wouldn't shock you.
CAPTION: WHY IS THERE A BOTTLE OF MINERAL WATER ON THE TABLE? HAVE THEY SOLD PRODUCT PLACEMENT IN THEIR OWN DAMN COMMERCIAL?
BLAIR: Sometimes I think you're the only one who understands, the only one who really appreciates me.
BROWN: We're surrounded by ingrates. You've done so much for Britain.
BLAIR: You too mate.
BLAIR: It's all about delivering a quality of life.
BROWN: I couldn't have put it better myself, mate. Boy, what a thinker.
CAPTION: WHAT ABOUT RISING CRIME, YOU GRINNING CHARLATAN? WHAT ABOUT THE NHS, YOU GIMLET-EYED TURD?
BLAIR: It's about looking forward, forward into the future.
[Suddenly a giant green tentacle smashes through the wall and starts to throttle Brown]
BLAIR: Look out Gordon - octopus! I'll save you!
[Blair leaps on the tentacle and starts to punch, kick and bite it until it lets go of Brown]
BROWN: My hero!
CAPTION: THAT WAS CRAP. MICHAEL HOWARD COULD KILL AN OCTOPUS WITH ONE HAND.
Apr 30th 05