(I notice that this is doing the rounds of e-mail and bulletin boards again, rewritten for
Iraq. And once again people are posting it as if it was their own work or at best saying things
like 'Thought to be written by' me. There's no 'thought' about it, I bloody wrote it, OK?)
French Intellectuals to be Deployed in Afghanistan To Convince Taleban of Non-Existence of God
The ground war in Afghanistan hotted up yesterday when the Allies revealed plans to airdrop
a platoon of crack French existentialist philosophers into the country to destroy the morale
of Taleban zealots by proving the non-existence of God.
Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets', will be parachuted
into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency and existential anomie among the enemy. Hardened
by numerous intellectual battles fought during their long occupation of Paris's Left Bank,
their first action will be to establish a number of pavement cafes at strategic points near the
front lines. There they will drink coffee and talk animatedly about the absurd nature of life
and man's lonely isolation in the universe. They will be accompanied by a number of
heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who will further spread dismay by sticking their tongues
in the philosophers' ears every five minutes and looking remote and unattainable to everyone else.
Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his confidence in the success
of their mission. Sorbonne graduate Belmondo, a very intense and unshaven young man in a black
pullover, gesticulated wildly and said, "The Taleban are caught in a logical fallacy of the
most ridiculous. There is no God and I can prove it. Take your tongue out of my ear, Juliet, I
Marc-Ange plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man's nauseating freedom
of action with special reference to the work of Foucault and the films of Alfred Hitchcock.
However, humanitarian agencies have been quick to condemn the operation as inhumane,
pointing out that the effects of passive smoking from the Frenchmens' endless Gitanes could
wreak a terrible toll on civilians in the area.
Speculation was mounting last night that Britain may also contribute to the effort by
dropping Professor Stephen Hawking into Afghanistan to propagate his non-deistic theory
of the creation of the universe.
Other tactics to demonstrate the non-existence of God will include the dropping of leaflets
pointing out the fact that Michael Jackson has a new album out and Oprah Winfrey has not died yet.
This is only one of several Psy-Ops operations mounted by the Allies to undermine the
unswerving religious fanaticism that fuels the Taleban's fighting spirit. Pentagon sources
have recently confirmed rumours that America has already sent in a 200-foot-tall robot
Jesus, which roams the Taleban front lines glowing eerily and shooting flames out of its fingers
while saying, 'I am the way, the truth and the life, follow me or die.' However, plans to have the
giant Christ kick the crap out of a slightly effeminate 80-foot Mohammed in central Kabul were
discarded as insensitive to Muslim allies.
(7th Nov 01)