(Content caution, obscene)


How many genders are there? What are the new genders? Lots, and you should know them by heart already. There are not just 63 genders now as some bigots will try to tell you, or a mere 100 as those Nazis at the BBC claim, there are 237. This list is definitive and non-negotiable and all dictionaries, medical textbooks and law statutes should be revised immediately. You must recognise and respect all of these or you will go to hell and prison.

There are 348 more coming next week so stay on your toes.

The 237 New Genders

1. Male seeking females
2. Male seeking females, non-smoking
3. Male seeking males
4. Male bisexual
5. Male will hump anything, animal vegetable or mineral
6. Straight female
7. Gay female femme
8. Gay female butch
9. Female bisexual
10. Female who just has cats
11. Male identifying as woman, hetero
12. Male identifying as woman, gay, that is he would be but the woman inside is straight
13. Male identifying as bisexual woman, femme .
14. Male identifying as bisexual woman, butch
15. Male identifying as Joan of Arc
16. Women who could be lesbian after a few drinks
17. Basically straight female but owning a toolbox
18. Basically straight male but fags around in marigolds sometimes
19. Basically straight male but wears velvet and makes bitchy remarks and lolls around enervated on sofas like Edwardian fop, albeit nailing the birds who go for that
20. Basically straight but if forced to kiss a member of the same sex already has someone picked out
21. Basically straight male but knows the lyrics to slightly too many musicals .
22. Identifies as straight male but owns a toolbox and is curious about putting tools up own arse
23. Excessively male male, so virile no living being could cope with their engorged manhood or would be worthy of its magnificence, so goes round punching holes in walls with own cock
24. As above but feels like frightened and vulnerable little girl inside, sometimes wears pink dresses, cries at insensitivity of world when people next door complain about three-foot cock protruding through wall
25. Hetero but frigid
26. Homo but frigid
27. Bi or omnisexual but frigid
28. Male hetero but misogynistic
29. Male hetero but so frigid or misogynistic they go round telling every woman, 'Do not attempt to touch my cock, jezebel, do not even think about it.'
30. Female hetero but hates males apart from Brad Pitt and that one with the six-pack in the calendar on her wall
31. Butch adventuring male who wants nothing to do with women but equally would never do anything beastly with his chums
32. That sort of martial competitive hetero male-bonding not-gay which girls will never understand where you have a sword-fight or chariot-race with someone or fight a Ray Harryhausen monster together and then love him more than any woman and you wouldn't kiss him or anything but you might exchange leather wristbands while laughing mightily and heroically .
33. Tomboy lesbian trapped in man's body
34. Tomboy lesbian trapped in potholing cavern with butch adventuring misogynistic male and both becoming curious about the other as the water rises
35. Asexual
36. Genderless
37. Genderfluid .
38. Non-specific protoplasm groping blindly towards the next warm body
39. Non-specific protoplasm, inert
40. John Bercow
41. Ascetic or voluntarily celibate, religious or philosophical grounds
42. Ascetic or voluntarily celibate, find sexual act unaesthetic
43. Ascetic or voluntarily celibate, have found all potential sexual partners unaesthetic since late 1960s
44. Would rather have a nice cup of tea
45. Would rather stick dick into nice cup of tea
46. Would rather stick dick into nice cup of tea and stir, clockwise m
47. Would rather stick dick into nice cup of tea and stir, anti-clockwise
48. Would rather stick dick into nice cup of tea but trapped in woman's body so have to use dildo
49. Like to stick dick into nice cup of tea and stir it while vicar watches, just daring him to say anything .
50. As above and serve it to him afterwards, knowing he has to drink it or you can denounce him as a bigot
51. Basically asexual but like to keep someone around to fetch beer and make a sandwich
52. People who tell themselves they're ascetic, asexual, or frigid but just can't pull
53. People who are frigid until drunk, a.k.a. English
54. 'Self-partnered'
55. Self-partnered but occasionally cheat on self with casual pickups
56. Self-partnered but keep someone around to carry shopping
57. Solipsist
58. Solipsist but occasionally deign to fuck one of the phantoms
59. Solipsist but disappointed brain or hallucination-creating demon has not managed to create any illusionary people as attractive or interesting as self
60. People so fat and shapeless they haven't seen their genitalia in decades and don't really remember what they were or what they used to do with them
61. People so out of shape they could probably only mate once and die in the process, like certain types of insect, so they've decided to save it up for if a supermodel ever comes round .
62. People too ethereal to ever do anything about theoretical sexual orientation or pick up on cues, similarly saving it up for if a supermodel ever comes round and lies on bed naked, when they would write a sonnet; meanwhile spend all time swanning round meadows and musing on flowers, and probably quite happy for it
63. People too high-stress and low-energy to bother trying to negotiate the minefield of 237 genders 64. People reared by fish who try to spawn by masturbating over eggs
65. Brass-rubbers
66. Tax inspectors
67. Voyeurs
68. Voyeurs who like to watch other voyeurs
69. Co-dependent voyeurs who like to share bushes, binoculars, sandwiches and performance notes with a chum
70. People who started off as voyeurs but found they just liked crouching in bushes
71. Voyeurs who like to watch tax inspectors mating
72. Morbid voyeurs who like to watch John Bercow mating
73. Frigid voyeurs who only peek through fingers
74. Blind voyeurs who have trained seeing-eye dog to bark or wag tail when something exciting happens
75. Blind voyeurs who just imagine seeing-eye dog's panting is something exciting happening
76. Narcissists
77. Completely unjustified narcissists
78. Did I say John Bercow?
79. Narcissists with negative body image who say, 'Look at you, you disgusting pig' while beating off in front of a mirror
80. People who aren't quite narcissists but dawdle slightly too long when they catch sight of themselves in a shop window
81. Exhibitionists
82. Inhibited exhibitionists who flash at the bottom of abandoned mineshafts
83. Masochist exhibitionists who flash in front of one those really stone-faced Russian women who just stare blankly at everything
84. People who aren't quite exhibitionists but are still in a dressing gown when you come round slightly too often or show you operation scars you didn't ask to see
85. Half-arsed and possibly fur-fetish exhibitionists who only go naked in front of their cat
86. Exhibitionists with negative body image who say, 'I know I need work' while flashing you .
87. Transvestites, homosexual
88. Transvestites, heterosexual
89. Nudist transvestites
90. Men in kilts
91. Men in kilts when it's really cold and their equipment has shrivelled to nothing
92. Metrosexual k
93. Metasexual
94. Fetasexual (into cheese)
95. Gretasexual (when legal)
96. People who want to tie Greta's pigtails to their cock and be pulled along behind her
97. Very well-hung people who want to tie Greta's pigtails to their cock and whirl her round in the air with it
98. Omosexuals, who like to stick their dicks (male or female) in boxes of washing powder
99. Paypigs
100. Frigid paypigs
101. Miserly paypigs
102. Exhibitionist paypigs who insist on getting receipts in order to titillate their tax inspector
103. People who get their jollies by sitting on a bus-seat still warm from someone else's bottom
104. People aroused by cars
105. People who hallucinate an SM relationship with their satnavs
106. People who replace sex with gastronomy and effectively wouldn't touch a member of the opposite sex unless they were dressed as a pie in which case they would squirt cream all over them
107. People who sublimate BDSM with leather couches
108. People who sublimate sadism by maliciously voting for un-self-aware no-hopers on TV talent shows
109. People who have reached an age where belching replaces sex
110. People who have too close a relationship with their phone
111. People who are into electric toothbrushes
112. Very poorly-hung men who are into electrical sockets
113. Very well-hung men who are into cement-mixers
114. Men who are into dolls, inflatable
115. Men who are into dolls, Barbie
116. Men who believe they are able to have a long-distance relationship with anyone they want by sticking things into voodoo dolls
117. People in relationships with ghosts, platonic
118. People in relationships with ghosts, physical, by banging a medium or attaching a planchette to a sex-toy
119. People in relationships with characters on TV, platonic
120. People in relationships with characters on TV, rub up against the screen when they appear
121. Men who are into sex-robots
122. Men who identify as Daleks
123. The women who love them
124. People who love the women who love the men who identify as Daleks and say, 'Why, why, why don't you leave him, what can you see in him, how can you like him coming at you with a sink-plunger and an egg-whisk and a fucking door-nob on his head going "IN-SEM-IN-ATE, IN-SEM-IN-ATE"?'
125. Necrophiliac
126. Necrophiliac trapped in the body of a woman
127. Norwegian
128. People curious about being Norwegian
129. People so curious about being Norwegian they have attempted the accent
130. Granny-grabbers
131. Chubby-chasers
132. Midget-whores
133. Beanpole-sluts
134. Jowl-jezebels
135. Wart-biters
136. Hunchback houris
137. Knobbly-knees nymphs
138. Mobility-scooter molls p
139. Zimmer-frame slags
140. Fag-hags
141. Heterosexual men pretending to be homosexual to pull fag-hags
142. Homosexual men pretending to be heterosexual to avoid fag-hags
143. Male transitioning to female
144. Female transitioning to male
145. Male transitioning to female but changed their mind and started going back the other way
146. Male or female in the process of transitioning to a new house so effectively asexual due to stress
147. People in the process of transitioning but the surgeons fucked up so now they have a kidney or a lung down there
148. People in the process of transitioning but the surgeons got bored and grafted the head of John Bercow down there
149. People who love the above
150. The people who in their turn tragically love them and so have applied to have John Bercow's head grafted onto their own crotch and the NHS have agreed but it's a really long waiting list
151. People who love the above-but-one and pretend to have John Bercow's head between their legs, but when you look closely it's just an ordinary twat
152. Goat-fuckers
153. Parrot-fuckers
154. Parrot-fuckers trapped in a goatfucker's body
155. Parrot-fuckers trapped in a goatfucker's body trapped in a goat
156. People who identify as parrot-fuckers for social acceptance but really they want to rub up against John Bercow
157. People who want to sleep with parrot-fuckers and wear feathers and beaks to entice them
158. People who want to sleep with parrot-fuckers but are frigid because they fear catching psittacosis
159. People who stick their dicks in mousetraps
160. People who stick their dicks in beehives
161. Ethical non-invasive beehive-fuckers who just dangle their dicks out the window smeared with nectar and hope for the best
162. People who like to have their dicks bitten off by snapping turtles (before)
163. People who like to have their dicks bitten off by snapping turtles (after)
164. People who like to dangle their dicks in front of a snapping turtle's mouth but withdraw it at the last moment, taunting them
165. People who have lost an inch or so like that but are still able to compete at the ultimate test of manhood and have no intention of giving up the dick-dangling-over-snapping-turtles life
166. People who shove keys up their arse for erotic pleasure
167. People who shove keys up their arse for erotic pain
168. People who shove keys up their arse so they know where to find them
169. People who shove keys up their arse, turn them and go, 'Brum, Brum, I am a Brabham Formula One racing car speeding round Brands Hatch'
170. The women who love them and wave a chequered flag as they cross the finishing line
171. Men who like to stick their dicks through letterboxes
172. Women who acrobatically stand doing the splits naked against the front door so they're pressed against the letterbox and wait for the mail to arrive
173. People who like to slide down bannisters naked
174. People who like to slide down the necks of giraffes
175. People who like to slide down a giraffe and land in a barrel of parrots and fuck them
176. People who like to stick their dicks through a hole in a barrel of parrots and hope the parrots peck them
177. People who like to fuck a barrel of parrots that have been trained to impersonate John Bercow
178. Onanists
179. Celibate onanists
180. Frigid onanists
181. Bisexual onanists o
182. Bisexual hermaphrodite onanists who go, 'Ooh, which tonight, which tonight?'
183. Onanists so frigid they are unable to touch their own cock and have to use tongs when urinating
184. The people who like to lick the tongs afterwards, a culture with a long proud history
185. Onanists who are only aroused by stills or footage of Rikki Fulton as Major Pribluda in the film of Gorky Park, an extremely frustrated and downtrodden minority before 1983
186. The people who like to watch them, who are still not represented in parliament or given any positive role-models by Hollywood
187. People who can only masturbate over pictures of Justin Trudeau in blackface, for whom life is like waiting for a bus
188. Ascetics who refuse to masturbate over pictures of Justin Trudeau in blackface but regard them with a pure, spiritual glow as proving the existence of God
189. Justin Trudeau
190. Hermaphrodite
191. Hermaphrodite divided vertically
192. Hermaphrodite divided horizontally
193. Hermaphrodite divided diagonally bottom left to top right
194. Hermaphrodite divided diagonally top left to bottom right
195. Hermaphrodite divided front and back
196. People who just feel hermaphrodite
197. People who feel up hermaphrodites
198. People who feel up hermaphrodites but only like half of them
199. Biphallic
200. Triphallic
201. Quadrophallic
202. People with five penises
203. People with five penises, most of which are straight but one or more of which is gay
204. People with five penises who like to fuck gloves
205. People with five impotent penises
206. People with five impotent penises who nevertheless enjoy flicking them so they bash back and forth against each other with a sort of pendulum effect like an executive desk-toy
207. People with five penises who are so proud about it they go round with them hanging out but so frigid or misogynistic they tell women, 'You may not touch ANY of my mighty array of cocks, harlot.'
208. People with five penises who like to put a shrieking parrot on the end of each
209. People with five penises who identify as women
210. People with five penises who identify as women with five twats
211. People biologically male who identify as women temporarily in order to enter women's toilets for purposes of sexual assault
212. People biologically male who identify as women temporarily in order to enter women's toilets for purposes of hearing tinkle
213. People biologically male who identify as women temporarily in order to enter women's toilets to find out what the hell they do in there and check there is no lesbianism going on
214. People biologically male who identify as women temporarily in order to enter women's toilets to find out what the hell they do in there and hope to find lesbianism going on
215. People biologically male who identify as women temporarily in order to just pop their heads through the door of women's toilets a moment in order to clarify a drinks order or something but if they happened to catch sight of someone, say, changing a bra, that would be just jake with them
216. People biologically male who identify as women temporarily in order to piss off people who accuse them of 'mansplaining'
217. Women temporarily identifying as male to avoid the attention of Russell Brand
218. Women temporarily identifying as male in order to fart in public
219. Women trapped in a lift with John Bercow who spontaneously jettison their own womb in case he exudes spores
220. That policeman who complained about sanitary towels being sold under the label of feminine hygiene because he was jealous or something
221. I suppose he was a cunt and so entitled to wear one
222. Formerly male lesbian women inhabited by the spirit of an Indian shaman who was gay
223. Gay time-travellers forced to become their own grandfather and trying to tell themselves their gran looks a bit like Bette Davis or someone
224. That kind of scarily obsessive cinephile who gets a bit too excited at a new Criterion release and could probably only do it a real person if Bette Davis or someone was being projected over them like the hologram in the new Blade Runner film
225. Hedgehog-fuckers, insert self into hedgehog
226. Hedgehog-fuckers, insert hedgehog into self
227. Hedgehog-fuckers, swing both ways
(nb the above to be subdivided into more genders by species of hedgehog next year)
228. Penguin-fiddlers
229. Yetisexuals m
230. People who climax from righteous indignation
231. People who get aroused by creating new genders
232. People who get excited at the thought of a meteorite or other cataclysmic disaster wiping out mankind
233. People who would have been basically gay but were killed by a criminal because the police and politicians were more interested in enforcing the acceptance of multiple genders and so on than stopping crime
234. People who would have been basically straight except they were groomed at a young age because see above
235. People who would have been basically unfussy except they died while waiting for a life-saving operation because the health service was too busy frantically transplanting John Bercow's head from one crotch to another in an endless succession
236. Miscellaneous gender for people who are so special they don't fit into any of the other 236
237. Otter-frotters


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(2019)

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