Is scary dungeon, whooo!

Is long-suffer JIM the BAPTIST is suspend from ceiling by thumbs attached to chains in turn attached to its own nipples, is make the ouch

Is play table-tennis with GUARD but cannot reach the tricky corner shots

The GUARD (him cruelly ricochet one into Jim nose): Is 100-nil to me, hahaa! Where is your Mighty Baal now, prophet?

The JIM the B (is gamely waggle ping-pong paddle attached to foot): No, I wasn't ready. Best out of three. I had a cobweb in me eye. Just warming up

[Is come in the FOOL

The FOOL: Good morrow, my masters, an' it please thee

The GUARD: Get thee to fuck, fool, thy please me not and here are none allowed

The FOOL: But I bringeth good fooling and capers! [It prance and carry on] Marry, sir, why is a bell that maketh no sound like a eunuch with the pox? Why, for that unto one is a dong with no clapper and the other is a clap without a dong!

The GUARD: I'm sorry, I only laugh at wryly-observed contextual comedy based on recognisable characters rather than random zaniness

The FOOL: Slew them in Oldham. But soft! I bring thee hence also for thy refreshment this cup of mulled wine and barbiturates

[Is take out the cup of mulled wine and barbiturates

The GUARD: Mmm, thirst-quenching! [Is drink.] That hits the Zzzzz. [Is sleep]

The FOOL: Hurry, lady!

Is come in the SARAH!

The JIM the B:

For shame! You again! Get thee hence, hellcow, I want none of your strumpetry

The SARAH (all humble and demure like):

Sir, I have reformed, and have no designs upon your wick at this time

The JIM the Bapt.: (is wise to the wiles of womens):

Oh, they all say that. 'I have missed mine last camel, let me sleep on the couch, I promise not to make a grab for your snake.' Then it's, 'I am cold, let me share your blankets, we will just snuggle companionably and play with LEGO.' And then they're all, 'Oh, I think I dropped some of my LEGO down your underpants, may I look for it?' But is trick! They is grab the snake and is shake the lady-boobies in the face and you is make the jigajig. So the next thing you know they're all, 'Waah waah waah, why can't you clean this place up, and we need a bigger cave, and why are you talk to God all the time not me, and come round IKEA with me, I mean am I right or am I right?

The FOOL: Testify, brother. Still, lady-boobies.

The SARAH: You make me blush for my gender isn't it; still if you will go around with that long grizzled chewable beard you is asking for it. Howsomever I have entirely no interest in jigajig at this point in my character arc. I come on bended knee to implore ye lift the curse of Baal and spare the kingdom

The JIM the B: Shall not! I is steadfast and implacable in my wrath

The SARAH: You force me resort to gift and bargain. I offer ye fuckloads of: jewels, unguents, and spice-racks

The JIM the B:

No avail! My needs is few. I live in the desert on LOCUSTS and honey and wear chipboard next to the skin. Gold, jewels, kingdoms, naughty ladies, all of these I have steadfastly refuse.

The SARAH (all slyboots): Hmm... all well and good. But has anyone offered you... WEETABIX??


No, no, I beg of you, not that!

The SARAH: Yes, behold! (Is take out the WEETABIX and brandish provocatively

The JIM:

No, no, mine eyes! (Is lash itself in the face with ping-pong paddle) The Phew. I overcome inner struggle. I refuse!

Fool: (it gasp, all dead impressed like) See how he turn down WEETABIX! Truly he is the anointed of Baal

The SARAH: Tres jolie. But how about... MINI-WEETABIX??

The JIM: Aaaiieee!! Stop, hellcat fuckminx!

The SARAH: Yes, yes! (Is take out Mini-WEETABIX and juggle provocatively with they going 'Mmm!') See how mini! And nuts and honey in them

The JIM the BAPTIST: (is sore temptred): And... LOCUSTS?

The S: It could certainly be arranged

(it take out dried locust and grate it over mini-WEETABIX saucily

The Jim the Baptist:


(He is break of the chains and hurl self into the SARAH arms! She is feed he the MINI-WEETABIX and drop they down her bra so he is kiss her naughty lady-boobies and they is cuddle and tickle and carry on

The FOOL (avert him eyes) For shame!

The JIM the B: I am yours sincerely, wanton woman. Any more WEETABIX??

The SARAH: It could certainly be arranged

The JIM the B: Immenso! Any more boobies?

The SARAH: Yes, five, I think - they are in my bedroom

The JIM the B: Then let us go there at once

The SARAH: And then to IKEA to pick out new furniture for your cave! But the curse? You will lift him?


Can do. I pray Baal pronto

(but is come in the SOLDIERS!:

SOLDIERS: King is condemn prophet for intransigent doom-saying isn't it! We must despatch he straightway

The SARAH: No! Stop, I implore ye! All is fixed! I offer ye jigajig (and any WEETABIX he hath not guzzled( to spare he

SOLDIERS (inflexible): We is gay and queer (in a butch martial fashion) and trained to eat nothing but forage and cornflakes

[They is cut off his head!

[Is come in the clap of THUNDER him seem to speak!

VOICE OF THE MIGHTY BAAL (all rumbly and dead loud):

Lo, thy hast smote my prophet Jim!
You are sooooooo for it now
Strife, plague and war shall consume thee and LOCUSTS shall devour thy WEETABIX!

The SARAH & The SOLDIERS: The Uh oh!

The HEAD of the JIM the Baptist:

How bad is it? I cannot feel my legs

Next act