Viking:
Hullo. We come to rape and kill and steal your WEETABIX! And later on be placid and establish welfare state and make the arthouse films and that
They is song:
We come from the land of the ice and snow
We drive the fuck-off big VOLVO!
We are your overlords
We cut your heads with axe and sword
Then we have the smorgasbord
We is very blond
We steal your WEETABIX and not say please
We hack your legs off at the knees
And then we build IKEA
The Priest: IKEA! (is stab him
Viking: For shame!
(They is big fight
Is mass stabbings and carryings on
Nunnies is bite they Vikings in the goolies. The Sarah is fling spiny sea-creatures into the melee.
The Mother Theresa is jump the cannon and use he to fire Jim the Baptist head at Vikings
and he bite they in goolies. Is dead exciting.
Score is 4-3 to Vikings after extra time. But! Then is come in the RAIMONDO at head of mighty army!
All:
Raimondo!
O-o-o-o Raimondo
(And they is dance a bit and play stylophone
Viking: The Uh Oh! The Raimondo!
The RAIMONDO: The same. (it pull fuck-off big sword) Defend thyself, varmint!
The VIK.: And if I refuse?
The RAIMONDO: I stab thee in grollocks
The VIK.: And if I cross fingers and say barley not ready yet?
The RAIMONDO: I jig around and call thee ladyboy until uncross fingers
The VIK.: Oofa. And if I surrender?
The RAIMONDO: You have to stand in the corner be quiet until I let you go
The VIK.: The third thing, please
[They viking is drop weapons with surrender
Is come in the King:
The KINGY: Woe is! VIKINGS and LOCUSTS have burned and pillaged Land! Populace is all bent and depleted and borderline dead. Kingy-club have take away my King of the Year trophy and given she to Vlad the Impaler, who eats him subjects and has not even build them creches. What I do deserve?
The Priesty: M'dear chap, is not a question of deserve, is complex geopolitical realities isn't it. You there m'good Viking - I imagine you is brung here by poor economic conditions at home and the instinctive dynamic drive to conquest of a vigorous young barbarian culture in the first flush of its initial expansive phase, not so?
The Viking: No, big thundery god is come to we tell us where we can score a really tasty haul of WEETABIX
The PRIEST: Shut gob then, ignorant horn-head
The KINGY: Aiiieeee! I is punished for vainglory for build ziggurat of WEETABIX! Is your fault! You is bad priest! I defrock thee
[Is tear off priestly frock!
NUNNERS: Eek! A nude priest! (is jump on table
Priest: For shame! (is blush and grab naughty man-jewels
NUNNERS: Eek! A nude priest with his hands on his cock!
(is jump on higher table on top of that table
Priesty: Ooh Lumme! (take hands off
NUNNERS: FLASHER!
(is jump up higher bang they heads on the ceiling
Priesty is grab spare nun habit
NUNS: Oh, oh, Tranvestite!
Priesty is drop nun-dress hide behind goat wander in
NUNS: GOAT-BUMMER!
Priest is pick up severed Viking arm from battle and dangle it hand in front of privates
NUNS: SEVERED VIKING ARM FUCKER
Priest is pick up Viking helmet and hold he over privates
NUNS: Big Eek, Nude priest with two long hard curvy cocks sticking through metal hat
Priest is give up and is run around room naked going 'Look, look, look at my willy' smacking his buttocks and waggling hips at nuns. They is take out opera-glasses and applaud politely
MOTHER SUPERIOR: Eek! What is THAT?
The PRIEST: IS WILLY!
MOSUP: Not willy, that scar running from top to stern
(for Priesty him have scar from throat to bushveldt
The PRIEST (with dignity): This, Madam, was given me by my one true love in a regrettable tiff. Though I never saw her again and became bitter and twisty, yet I have refuse all offers to have a cosmetic tummy fitted, as this scar, which lo! I deserved, is all I have to remember him by
The MOTHER SUPERIOR: The DAGOBERTY! (is hug
The PRIESTY: The MIRABELLA??
The MO. SUP: The Susan.
The PRIESTY: The SUSAN! (is kissy
The RAIMONDO: Mummy?
The JUDITH: Auntie?
The KING: Sister?
The VIKING: Keith?
(They is all do the big hug
The KING:
Then all is well that ends well isn't him?
The SARAH (with sadly) Not quite...
The HEAD of the JIM the BAPTIST:
My body is been cut off just as I discover enthusiasm for WEETABIX and boobies
KINGY: Never mind m'dear fellow I is buy you new one, hmm? Nice shiny bleeding-edge Japanese one with flashing lights and multi-track recording
J the B: Immenso!
The KING:
Then all is back to happy and we is all learn valuable lesson about not getting into pissing-match with gods. From now on we keep heads down and plenty plenty grovel
The RAIMONDO:
Not so fast Mr. the Kingy. Some things cannot unto be fixed so easily. What of my LEGO farm?
The KING:
Er...
The RAIMONDO: Can you bring that back to life? CAN YOU? CAN YOU PUT MY LEGO FARM BACK TOGETHER, YOU ROYAL FUCK?
The JUDITH (with wisely): Let it go RAIMONDO I besmirch thee. A big part of manhood is learning to let go
The PRIEST: (with solemn): It speak true m'dear son. Becoming man is 1. Stabbing people, 2. Nailing birds, 3. Foraging for WEETABIX, 4. Learning to let go, 5. Big fuck-off belches
The RAIMONDO: I... I...
The VIKING: Did someone say LEGO? Allow me pay ransom & reparations
[is open boot of VOLVO! reveal fuckload of LEGO
The RAIMONDO: Immenso! Plenty rejoice!
The VIKING: (it empty sacks filled with LEGO) You take him all and plenty more where came from
[nunhouse is fill with LEGO! All is frolic and glee in him
The KING: We can rebuild land & subjects with him!
The PRIEST: We can rebuild mighty temple with LEGO!
K & P} Immenso! [They is exchange glances and look upwards] The K: A moderately-sized one, three storeys and a bijou little veranda. If no-one object?
The VOICE of THE MIGHTY BAAL:
Lo, I am satisfied with this my LEGO temple. Go thy ways in peace
Is come in the LITTLE DIMPLE-CHEEKED WEETABIXIA at head of mighty army of childrens is restored to health!
ldc-WEETABIXIA: Mummy! Daddy! Gwandpas! Riff-Raff! We is alive!
Everyone (sing, hum, stylophone:
Alive, alive-o
Hawaii five-o
Is cockles and mussles
All: Praise to Baal! Is miracle!
Big light is shine down from above and dovebird is fluttering down clutching WEETABIX special-offer token in beak. All is hold hands and look upwards going 'AWWW'
MOTHER SUPERIOR: Bugger it, is hole in roof
[The FIN
May 21st 07