Hello, and welcome to my homepage. My name is Ulrich Haarbürste and I like to write stories
about Roy Orbison being wrapped up in cling-film. If you have written any stories about Roy
being completely wrapped in clingfilm please send them to me and I may put them up on the site.
If you have a site with stories about other pop stars being wrapped in cling-film mail me and we
can exchange links.
Update February of 2010:
Thrilling new news! The famous Italian scholar of linguistics Professor Negroni has translated my original Orbison in Clingfilm stories into her mother tongue! The only Italian I know is 'Ciņ sunbed č riservata dal tovagliolo' (This sunbed is reserved by towel) but I am sure she has done a fine job of capturing all my nuances. It sounds so beautiful! The Italian word for 'clingfilm' is pellicola. Hitherto I have written in English as I considered that the language of poetry and romance and the word 'clingfilm' the very acme of sensuality, but now I wish I had known Italian. And Jetta is not a terrapin but a tartaruga. That is so appropriate for her, an adorable little tartar.
I am delighted. This is my first translation. I hope there will be more. The only language I despair of getting anything beautiful out of is the dour Swedish, where the word for clingfilm is 'Aas-schvunk.'
Update May of 2009:
Pulp Pusher is a webazine devoted to gritty tales of surly imperfectly-shaven men shoving and punching each other, exchanging improper repartee with floozies, and rudely shooting people in the organs on the slightest provocation. The whirlwind high-octane cocktail of cliffhangers, adrenaline overload and raw sensuality that is the Roy Orbison in Clingfilm Novel was obviously right up their shadowy, ill-swept alley. They have procured from me an article talking about the genesis of my tome which may be read here. This was followed by a frank Q & A session although the version there has been severely cut for reasons of conserving space. Lest some of my words be lost to the cruel winds of time I have placed the full version here.
March of 2009:
You should be apprised that a person has made an animation of my first Roy Orbison in Clingfilm story. Now even a merely competent version would have been the greatest development in the film world since Citizen Kane. But this is of such a brilliance I do not hesitate to call it the Eighth Wonder of the Modern World. (The other seven are Clingfilm, Clingfilm, Roy Orbison, Clingfilm, Clingfilm, Clingfilm, and the automated tollbooths on the Dusseldorf autobahn, which are so smoothly efficient I often back up and use them twice for the sheer joy of it.) I cannot locate it on the German-language Dutube yet but it may be viewed in English here.
January of 2009:
I have now added the 'Jelly Roll' interview with me alluded to below. It is here.
New for November of 2008:
I have just added an all-new feature - an interactive Orbison in Clingfilm Adventure Game! See below at once.
Added October:
Here is another interview with me. It is pleasant to be interviewed but I sometimes worry that my entire soul will be quarried out by the tireless excavators of the press. If I can arrange some regular and efficient deliveries of clingfilm to my house I may become a recluse. But then perhaps I will lose touch and my tales will cease to be grounded in reality. Who can say?
Update August of 2008:
Also. Readers in the Kingdom of Britain can peruse an interview with me in the September edition of 'Jelly Roll' zine, available for free in record shops and cafes in London and Manchester. It is perhaps my most revealing interview yet and will be drawn on heavily by my biographers.
Update October 2007:
A New Zealand edition of my book is now also available to buy, published by Lawrence & Gibson. A new world record for the most number of people simultaneously wrapped in clingfilm was established at the launch party.
Readers in Chicago or indeed the rest of the US should note that Quimby's often have the original edition in stock.
Readers anywhere in the world are reminded that the book is always available to purchase through my online sellers for efficient and courteous global delivery, here.
Bookshop owners please note, the above is for individual online orders only, all book trade orders should go via Nielsen using the ISBN number 978-0-9554602-0-3 or directly to my main distributors York Publishing Services.
Update September 2007:
A review of my book in the noted Guardian newspaper in Britain! It concludes: 'This self-published
novel may appear to cater to specialised tastes. But it is highly recommended to
non-fetishists, who will find it inventively hilarious.'
I am somewhat bemused by the people who congratulate me as a humorist. I am not above light-hearted asides but really I see myself as the last romantic. Nevertheless the review is gratifying.
(However the reviewer makes the mistake of ascribing the work to Mr. Kelly, who is merely my business manager. Asking for it by his name will get you nowhere in bookshops as only mine appears on the work.)
Update March 2007:
Here is an interview with me conducted by a newspaper journalist.
Roy in Clingfilm Story 4
Roy in Clingfilm Story 5
Attention!
Mr. Davidson's excellent song of Roy in Clingfilm Story 1 now has a new and more permanent home
at this location.
It would be the act of a fool not to listen.
Other Links of Interest
Michael Kelly's Fan Fiction archive
ulrichhaarburste@hotmail.com