Penis Enlargement

Emil from San Francisco writes:

I am being bombarded with penis-enlargement spam of late, for some reason all originating from Brazil. Why is this? I find it strange. I mean, if anyone should be shilling for penis enlargement, it shouldn't be the Brazilians. Have you seen how they're hung? They're like tripods. My second question is, do you think it's worth while taking advantage of their offer? A friend may be interested.

I'll have to take your word for it about the Brazilians' natural endowments. If they do have some sort of corner on penis enlargement it is certainly food for thought, however, and one hopes it has nothing to do with the large number of Nazi scientists popularly supposed to be living in the South American jungle since the war, and that the blokes who sign up for said operation don't find themselves and their poor undersized organ confronted by some deranged Mengele type armed with an industrial-strength Electrolux or a washing-mangle or a cylinder of compressed helium with a catheter tube attached. 'Do not be a cry-baby...hold him down, it goes, and now we make to pump in the gas, yes? This inflate the penis nice and big for the ladies...nein, nein, you do not need anaesthetic, anaesthetic is degenerate science, long discredited...stoic endurance of pain is where the current medical thinking is at...and in with the helium, this fill up all the little tubes and capillaries, make you big like Hindenburg...only drawback is, if anyone gives you a blowjob, they'll be talking like Minnie Mouse for a few hours...nothing to worry much do you want, twelve inches, two feet? I can give you three feet, easily, is just like blowing up a balloon...I have been perfecting this for years...originally developed it for the Russian Front, the cold, you know, wreaked havoc with our Aryan manhood...demoralizing...I reckoned if the Russians could see a platoon of naked German warriors with three-foot bratwursts frolicking in the snow outside Stalingrad they'd surrender immediately...see, isn't that nice and big, now? I tell you what, I like your face, I'll make it a four-footer, no extra cost...see how it all that remains is to tie a knot in There, all over, that was not so bad was it? You may rise...and..hmm...perhaps I may have overdone it again...Yes, that's right, you are floating above the ground, it is a common side-effect of the helium, nothing to worry about, we can compensate...Julio, the weighted shoes...and the boathook, please, we'll need to fish him down...' And the poor bastard bobs around on the ceiling at the mercy of his Zeppelin-like cock.

Do you think it's worth while taking advantage of their offer?

Certainly not! Your friend would be a traitor to his own kind. Having a diminutive penis is not an affliction or a defect, it is an ancient and proud culture in its own right which must be preserved and cherished in the face of all attempts to eradicate it. Penis enlargement surgery is nothing less than genocide against my people.

Er. I mean. Their people. Their people.

July 2004

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