(Posted September 99)
a) search engines weren't so shite and
b) North America didn't exist.
This is not just because most of the computers are there, but because
everything that ever existed is the name of a place or person in America.
Do a search on Shakespeare:
'Here are the plans of the sewers for the town of Shakespeare, Idaho.'
Or Churchill:
'Winston Churchill: Chief Librarian of the town of Shithole, Kansas,
1935-1943.'
Or erect nipples:
'Eric T. Nipples III, Mayor of Milwaukee.'
Or if it's not a place or a person, it's a bloody pet.
Look for Raymond Chandler.
'Here is a picture of my kitten, Chandler. (I'm a very big Friends
fan!!!) My boyfriend, Raymond...' Fuck off.
Pet owners of a literary bent are a particular bane.
'Here's a photo of my rabbit, Ford Madox Ford. He's very
sleepy at the moment!!' I hope he dies and you can't sell the hutch.
I swear these silly tarts name their wretched beasts just to thwart me.
'Here is my gerbil, Gross Domestic Product of Brazil.'
'Here is my puppy, Firm Tawny Jugs.'
And damn you, Alta Vista, for that shameless lie:
'Ask me a question. Example: "What name did Achilles assume when
he hid himself among the women?"'
A good question. Against my better judgement, I will ask it.
'Here is what I have found for you: Here is a picture of my
tortoise, Achilles. Richard Assume, U.S. Congressman. When, Alaska,
population 325. Women women naked whores XXX shaved mules cum throb
dong. Ignored the rest.' May rats gnaw at your innards, you worthless
son of a ZX81 and a slide rule.
Search engine spell-checkers are both patronizing and uninformed.
John Kennedy Toole. 'Did you mean John Kennedy's tool? Try the
Smithsonian Institution.'
The proliferation of fan-sites on various topics also hampers
searches for the student of literature. Try looking for Chekov,
Scott, or the Robert Ruark novel Black Uhura. We have found
200,000,000 sites for you, half of them in Klingon.
Likewise researching 'Bilbao' or 'Golem' is guaranteed to land
you in the midst of unproofread Lord of the Rings sites.
And searching for any Slavic name results in your being inundated
with offers of Russian brides.
'Natasha Turgenev. Interested in corresponding with Western men with
a view to getting the hell out of Dodge. Can bring a dowry of
seven potatoes and half a kilo of weapons-grade plutonium.'
'Valeria Oblomov. 38-24-37. Turn-ons: Western passports. Turn-offs:
food queues, hyperinflation, kleptocracy. Hobbies: sex, exotic
underwear, looking like Irina out of Gorky Park, baking nice
cakes for her lord and master in between bouts of sex. Fully prepared
to live in the bedroom of an unemployed loser who lives with his
parents.'
Which reminds me, I have to get to the airport.