9.00 DUDLEY Can Silverfish Be Pets? 10.00 HEARTBREAK HOSPITAL Dominic's verruca explodes and Blodwen has a nasty surprise in the linen cupboard 11.00 MAY WE SNEER AT YOUR GARDEN? Making snail-runs, and why nettles are the new daffodils 11.30 MAY WE DEMOLISH YOUR FRONT ROOM? 12.00 NAME THAT TREE Gardening gameshow 1.00 NEWS AND WEATHER 1.30 PASSCHENDAELE DRIVE Wibbly gets some feeling back in his nose 2.00 MURDER, MY HANDSOME? Another case for St. Ives detective Jack Warleggan (Dave Prowse) as a savage beheading in a gift shop sets him on the trail of an international assassin (Rpt) 3.00 SOMETHING else 3.30 CHILDREN'S 3.35 The Littlest Biscuit 3.50 Tilly the Tapeworm 4.00 Run around like a mad bugger and win a Gameboy 4.30 Young Genghis 5.00 BLUE PETER Which is good 5.30 PASSCHENDAELE DRIVE Bert runs over Zoe's coil 6.00 NEWS 7.00 AGUIRRE, WRATH OF GOD Anne Robinson kneecaps a shopkeeper who sold defective flip-flops 7.30 AINSLEY'S BIG COCK-OUT Amusing misprint 8.00 ANIMAL REHAB The team help a budgie strung out on uppers 8.30 SURPRISE! WE REBUILT YOUR HOUSE Mo Mowlam turns Buckingham Palace into a functional modern granny-flat 9.00 NEWS includes 9.08 Melinda's Showbiz Round-up 9.20 Sport with Trev 9.30 PANORAMA The alarming rise in Attention Deficit Disorder 9.33 CARTOON 9.35 THE NIT-NURSES Docusoap. Ethel takes another scalp 10.10 CASTAWAY ISLAND After the failure of the harvest things reach crisis point. Can the community survive? Contains scenes of cannibalism 11.00 FUCK, A MONSTER Bootsy and Snudge investigate a claim that Bigfoot was on the grassy knoll 12.00 STAB! STAB! MAIM! KILL (TVM, 1997) A maniac terrorizes a group of college girls. A nice healthy thriller, not like that ghastly porn over on Five

9.00 Childrens and schools 12.00 BOWLS Live coverage of the Duckworths' Grout Championship from Scunthorpe 1.00 THE THIRD MAN (1949, b/w) Classic Film, with Orson Welles 2.30 FAWLTY TOWERS The classic dead body episode 3.00 CELEBRITY WARDROBES Catherine Zeta Jones shows off her lingerie collection 3.30 MAGIC MOVIE MOMENTS The scene from 'This Boy's Life' where Robert De Niro kicks the shit out of Leonardo De Caprio [NOTE: Everything from 1.00 to 4.00 will be cancelled in favour of extended coverage of the bowls. Only advertised as a cruel joke] 4.00 WINNIFRED 4.30 COOK ME RAGGED! 5.00 COOK A DUCK! 6.00 THE SIMPSONS (Rpt.) Classic episodes from two weeks ago 6.45 STAR TREK Spock's tennis-elbow is playing up, but as usual McCoy hasn't got a bollocks about Vulcan physiology and is too bog-idle to open a textbook, so he shoots heroin into his feet on a hunch. Meanwhile Scotty has run out of lithium yet again and his manic depression is unchecked 7.30 THE YOUNG VET OF THE YEAR COMPETITION Children bandage up their pets 8.00 THE DIAMOND GEEZER CHEF Jez's efforts to cook bacon sarnies for the posse are hampered when the Bishop of Cheltenham turns up, claiming to be his father and telling him to talk properly 8.30 CARS, ROOMS, GARDENS 10.30 NEWSNIGHT Which is good 11.20 LATE REVIEW Three people compulsively give away the endings of films no-one else has had a chance to see yet 12.00 THE MAD WEATHER BULLETIN The weather for places like bloody Iraq. Who's it for, secret agents about to be sent on missions? 'Ooh, best watch the weather, will I need to wear me vest?'

9.00 MORAG 'Out of control Nuns' 10.30 BRUNCH WITH THE LUNDTS 1.00 TURN THE PLOW SLOWLY Lafe covets Zachariah's oxen. Gideon puts ferrets in Saul's henhouse. Desdemona gets a grip of Jethro on the silage heap. 2.00 DICK SPRING 'Your lesbo crack-whore wife fucks hunchbacks'. Whatever happened to Watch With Mother? 2.54 DICK SPRING SPECIAL: 'Irate husbands who stab chat-show hosts'.2.55 DICK SPRING'S FINAL THOUGHT: 'I'm dying, dying, and my life has been devoted to ugliness and the cheapening of the human soul. Even Hell is too good for one such as I; annihilation is all I have to hope for, for, in truth, I died long ago. I bet the ratings will be great, though.' 3.00 SPIN THE HAMSTERGameshow 3.30 CHILDREN'S 3.35 New Scooby-doo Why are the ghosts and monsters real in the new series? Scooby-doo used to teach kids good rationalist sceptical humanist values, now it just encourages them to be New Age mush-heads 4.00 Whazzup wiv Dat? 4.30 Sorted! 5.00 COBBERS COVE Daz plots to win the sack race. Jane plays matchmaker, but where do her own affections lie? Mordred plants an anthrax bomb in the salon 6.00 NEWS 7.30 THE UMBRELLAS OF CHORLTON Gethyn shocks Mabel by telling her he wants to eat her corn plasters 8.00 CAROL, THE QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE, HELPS PEOPLE DECORATE AND FIND LOST MONEY AND STUFF How like her, the lovely lovely pretty 8.30 THE POLICE WILL BLOODY GET YOU More video footage of miscreants fleeing the police. The fools! The police have helicopters! And infra-red! And giant robots, I think. Oh, the power. Oh, the super-power. 9.00 THE FENG SHUI PET RESCUE DETECTIVE CHEF (WHO LIVES IN AN AIRPORT) New series. By day Jake Clegg is an interior decorator and gardener, and at night he is a chef, but in the evenings he uses his feng shui skills to solve crimes involving pets. But if he can't save the pet's life, he cooks them. And he lives in an airport. 10.00 BRITAIN'S SHABBIEST GRANNIES 11.00 SHAG ISLAND

9.00 BEWITCHED Which is good. Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo doo doo de doo. Esmeralda conjures up Winston Churchill just as Darren lands the account for a British cigar company. Hmm. Starring Elizabeth Montgomery, who is pretty. And I wonder what Tabitha grew up like? Er...I mean...9.30 CRICKET 4.30 CAROL, THE QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE I've got a three letter word: F-I-T. Say Please when you ask her for letters, you creeps 5.00 NORA 'Hey Mom! I came on your duvet - get over it!' 5.30 SNAIL SANCTUARY It's fingers crossed as Cyclops has his final operation. 6.00 SARA, ZACK AND YORICK Sara's overprotective father comes to town. Guest stars Christopher Walken 6.30 STREET BROTHEL With Davinia McCall 7.00 NEWS 8.00 THE CUL-DE-SAC OF THE DAMNED Golyadkin is jealous of Igor's lump. Tasha's baby is kidnapped by goblins 8.30 WOK ON THE WILD SIDE Transvestite cooking programme 9.00 DIG IT! Archaeology 9.30 KIDS THESE DAYS Kristy is a dim but cute 14 year old who wants a baby. Well, she can have one, bless her. Unfortunately her 13 year old boyfriend is an oaf in half mast pants who is also shagging a 30 year old woman, the jammy little turd. Colin is a 12 year old internet millionaire. I hope he dies. 10.30 MANHATTAN SLAPPERS Doris dates her rabbi, while Zandra rediscovers an old flame who disappeared up her fanny in 1992 11.00 ISLAND OF SHAGS

9.00 THE IMELDA MARCOS SHOW 10.00 AS THE TWIG IS BENT Cammerling's evil twin takes his place in the ice cream parlour and makes shaving foam cornets. Dr. Schussbinder removes Philip's haemorrhoids and substitutes fakes 11.00 THE TIES THAT BLIND Goneril cuts off Reinquist's truss fund. Dafydd must tell Moomintroll her duck contains Himmler's brain 11.30 ZELDA 'My gay grandmother eats soap' 12.30 WHITLEY BAY Sukey tells Josh she knocked over his Lego house. Luke finds out who crapped in his piano 1.00 HOPPY Death row makeovers 2.00 SLUMPING ON THE SOFA WITH MARGE with Norman Wisdom and Gore Vidal 3.30 WHY IS MOMMY IN A BOX? (TVM, 1996) Heartrending story CHILDREN'S 5.00 The Naughtiest Girl in Lapdancing School 5.30 The Reeperbahn Gang 6.00 NEWS WITH KIRSTY Someone buy that poor woman a chair. Her arse must be numb from sitting on that desk 6.30 WHITLEY BAY Emma buys Jeff a new eel, but why is Stig looking so happy? 7.00 THE NEW ADVENTURES OF BOADICEA Boadicea and Mark Antony join forces to stop Attila the Hun's undead army. Guest stars Joan Collins as Boadicea's Mom 8.00 GODAWFUL FAMILIES Jade is a 16 year old lap dancer whose father Ron has just married her best friend Sal. Worse, he now refuses to buy her the breast implants he promised for her birthday, giving them to Sal instead. Far worse, he wants Sal to have cosmetic surgery to make her look like Jade. 8.30 BROTHEL CHEF 8.40 STRIP CLUB VET 9.00 WHEN A TEACHER FROTS (TVM, 1995) Tacky film 10.30 LAPDANCING FOR BREAST IMPLANTS Gameshow 11.00 EUROPEAN PORN CHAMPIONSHIPS Sweden v. Italy 11.30 A LARGE PAIR OF NAKED BREASTS OCCASIONALLY BEING BATTED FROM SIDE TO SIDE 12.00 FATAL SHAG VII Erotic thriller, starring Shannon Tweed and Derek Nimmo