INEFFICIENCY ALERT AS OF SEPTEMBER 2016 MAXIMUM ATTENTION

I regret to announce that my book is currently unavailable to buy. Or at least more difficult to buy and not procurable by the means stated below. See my manager Mr Kelly's page for his whining excuses and further information. I am assured this unfortunate situation is merely temporary. I hang my head in shame for the inefficiency and hope it will be rectified soon. Those experiencing symptoms of alarm or disappointment at this development should soothe themselves by stroking a small piece of clingfilm or, where available, the carapace of a terrapin or other domestic crustacean.



Astounding News!

I have published a book!



I am pleased to announce that the long-awaited 'Orbison in Clingfilm' novel is now available.

I have chosen to publish this book in Britain as it is the country with the most positive attitude towards Clingfilm Rights - indeed, it is possible to obtain an arts council grant to wrap someone there.

My tome can be purchased online here.

[*Please to note diligently, this is for individual online orders only, all book trade orders should go via York Publishing Services or the Nielsen system with the ISBN as below.]

Alternatively any self-respecting bookshop should have a Clingfilm Wrapping section and the book will most likely be located there. Should it not be you should proceed to the counter and politely ask the man (or woman) to order you a copy. Please state the title 'Ulrich Haarburste's Novel of Roy Orbison in Clingfilm' in a loud voice and excited tone, as this may make people nearby curious about the book and help spread the word, and they may also become curious about you and want to be your friend.

The ISBN number is 978-0-9554602-0-3 if you would prefer to be furtive.

The cover price is 7 British pounds, although in the online shop this is reduced somewhat to take account of the cost of postage and packing. I had considered wrapping each book in clingfilm but the man who packs the books was unwilling, having some sort of morbid fixation on brown paper and padded envelopes and so forth. I suppose it takes all sorts.

The book is a paperback of 192 pages long. However, it should be pointed out that for reasons of neatness three of those pages are completely blank and devoid of writing. I think it is best to be honest about that up front as whenever I read a book I am always disappointed when I encounter blank pages and feel cheated and suspect the author of being a bungler who could not think of any words to put upon those pages. But in my case at least that is not the case and I could have filled many, many tomes with my stories of Roy in clingfilm. If the sheer wastefulness of the blank pages bothers you, you should do as I do and draw pictures on them or tear them out and use them to write notes to your terrapin.

As well as the Roy Orbison in Clingfilm novel, the book contains the original Roy in Clingfilm stories from this website and five completely new ones. It is rectangular in shape and measures approximately 178mm x 111 mm. In compliance with the EU's unit pricing transparency regulations, be it noted that this works out at around 3.645 English pence per page or 0.0184 pence per square centimetre, a bargain by anyone's standards.

However please note that this price per page or centimetre is merely theoretical and I regret that due to the demands of the publishing industry it is not possible to sell pages or portions thereof individually. If you are a poor person with only a few pennies and cannot afford the entire book you should perhaps club together with other ragged figures and buy a copy between you, making sure to wash your hands or fingerless mittens before reading it. Those in any income group should note that as this is the first edition the book will anyway be a good investment and is likely to increase in value many times during your lifetime, although, without wishing to speak boastfully, it is so good that you will never wish to part with it and will probably be buried with it.

So then. Now you have been apprised of all the facts you should proceed calmly and rationally to make a purchasing decision.

Ulrich

PS. Film and video game rights are still available


Back to my Roy Orbison in Clingfilm website