The Labour Party is to launch its own university this autumn to train activists and MPs.
        - Times, 14th May

University of the Labour Party Final Exam

Time allowed: 2 hours
Extra marks will be added for verbiage and waffling
Examiners will be looking for absence of originality and independent thought
In case of difficulties consult your pagers for the answers
This exam sponsored by the Richard Desmond Porn Corporation
- remove Teenage Spunk-Drinkers centrefold from exam paper before commencing

Part One

1. Ideology

i) 'The Third Way is the Only Way'. Discuss.

ii) 'The greatest statesman since Talleyrand, the greatest humanitarian since Gandhi.' Is this is a fair assessment of Tony? Which of his qualities does it omit?

iii) Describe the errors of any two of the following:

Socialists
Anti-Globalizers
Those opposed to the Euro
Anyone who doubts that Tony is a great statesman and spiritual leader

2. Spin

Show how the following were resounding successes for Labour:

The Millennium Dome
The lowest electoral turn-out in a century
Transport policy

3. Malicious Briefing Against Enemies

Concoct vile rumours about the following and disseminate them among your fellow examinees:

The Parliamentary Commisioner for Standards
Mo Mowlam
Your own mother
A pensioner dying of cancer who has complained about the state of the NHS
Yourself (this is just for practice but is also a test of obedience)

4. Prime Minister's Questions

Think of an oustanding achievement of the Blair government (you will have to use your imagination for this one) and frame a question to which the answer is, 'Yes, I am wonderful.'

5. Finance

Justify the following or attempt to change the subject to real issues:

A Labour donor being paid 10 million of taxpayers money to act as a middleman in buying smallpox vaccine
Lord Levy being paid 250,000 to get businessmen access to ministers
A rich pornographer in the midst of a controversial newspaper takeover being invited to tea by the Prime Minister and asked for money
John Reid's statement, 'If you are asking if we are going to sit in moral judgement, in political judgement, on those who wish to contribute to the Labour Party, then the answer is no.'

6. Not Apologizing

Without apologizing or admitting you did anything wrong, how would you justify your actions if found:

Redecorating your office with 120,000 of taxpayers money
Using horrendous disasters to bury bad news
Stealing gold teeth from an old lady (this is just for practice but you never know)

7. Lying to Parliament

Give a brief dissertation on the usefulness of the following phrases:

'To the best of my recollection'
'I was badly briefed'
'I may have inadvertantly misled the House'
'I was being ironic'
'I had my fingers crossed'

8. Keeping a Straight Face

Solemnly and without smirking describe how:

Globalisation is good for the Third World and workers in Britain

or

Privatisation is the answer to everything

or

Everyone will lose their jobs if we don't join the Euro

9. Misdirection and Class War:

Attempt to prove your radical credentials by attacking one of the following:

Foxhunters
Elitist universities or museums
The Royal Family
Middle-class families
Reactionary pensioners
Lady Penelope off Thunderbirds

10. Ingratiating yourself with the public

Show knowledge of and concern about one of the following:

The state of the England football squad
The latest storyline on EastEnders
Pop Idol or Big Brother

Part Two
Multiple Choice

1: Making Good on Pledges

i) You come to power after campaigning with the slogan, 'Tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime.' Do you:

(a) Work to cut crime by reducing poverty?
(b) Put more police on the streets?
(c) Do neither and let criminals out early because there aren't enough prisons?

ii) You come to power promising to implement the Scott Report on arms dealing and instigate an ethical foreign policy. Do you:

(a) Make good on this pledge?
(b) Do nothing for five years and then implement a watered down version of the proposals in the report, in the meantime underwriting arms deals to some of the worst regimes in the world, giving knighthoods and OBEs to arms dealers, and flying around the world making pompous speeches on the need for peace?

iii) You have a brilliant slogan, 'Education, education, education'. Do you:

(a) Invest heavily in education?
(b) Abolish student grants?

2. Transport

Britain's railways are a shambles. Do you:

(a) Renationalize the railways and invest enough money so that they become safe and efficient?
(b) Reform the inefficient and dangerous internal competition system?
(c) Sit back in your chauffeur-driven limousine and do bugger all?

3. Contempt for the Electorate

How do you honestly think the public will react upon seeing a picture of the Prime Minster posed smiling with England footballers on the doors of No.10?

(a) Turn the page
(b) Think, 'Oh, how unusual, a nob-end politician attempting to ingratiate himself with the public by associating with celebrities.'
(c) See it as one more example of the soul-sapping banality of modern life and curse God that they were not born on another planet
(d) Slobber and go, 'Hurrr! Look! He is friends with footballers! Hurrr! He must be good! GOOD! Hurrr! I will vote for him! Hurrr! I will vote for hiiiiimmm. Hurrr! We must all vote for him! Hurrr! He likes football! Hurrrr! Vote! Hurrrr! I am happy! Hurrrrr! That is a good fing! Hurrrr! Heeee! Nurrrg!'

4. Initiative

You see a small child drowning in a pond. Do you:

(a) Throw it a rope?
(b) Wade in and rescue it?
(c) Arrange a press conference and pledge yourself to a target of pulling it halfway out of the pond by the year 2007?

5. Principles*

Which of the following phrases do you think best sums up New Labour's guiding principles?*

*you may consult a dictionary

(a) Liberty, fraternity, equality
(b) Making Britain a better place
(c) Our turn for the trough, wahey


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15/5/02