T.Blair, statesman and human being manque, has recently called for a moral crusade against underage sex and other depravities which threaten to undermine the fabric of the blah blah.
..While it is strange for one who sneaks from his Downing Street lair in the dead of night to ritually murder working class families in their beds to prate of morality, for once I am in agreement with Mr. Beelzebub.
..Kids as young as 12 and 13 having sex is deeply depressing. It is depressing because when I was that age I was still playing Dungeons and Dragons. I felt the occasional strange stirring in my loins when I saw a picture of some beauteous elf-maiden in chain mail, but I knew not that it betokened the onset of manhood.
..In my group at school, our equivalent of losing your virginity was reading The Lord of the Rings. 'Have you gone all the way yet?' 'No, but I've got to first base, where Gandalf falls down the pit.' An innocent way to spend puberty, but one that has wreaked havoc on my sexuality. My primary sexual images are bizarre to say the least, and must be for many of my generation; any enterprising pornographer wishing to make his fortune should publish magazines like 'Elf Babes In Peril' (Dozens of Doe-Eyed Damsels! You Can Save Them From A Troll!). I fondly look forward to my wedding night, when I will try to persuade my wife that if she loved me she would wear chain-mail and pointed ears.
..Be that as it may, how are we to prevent the current generation of schoolchildren from fucking like minks?
..Plainly, some sort of electronic tagging device is called for. I propose a tag similar to those placed on clothes on department stores be affixed to every young girl's hymen. If the seal is broken, a very loud alarm bell located in her abdomen would go off. Simultaneously, thanks to a series of bionic implants, her legs would snap shut and her cervical muscles contract, holding the penetrator securely in place, trapping him like a thief caught by a car immobilizer. The girl's father or community leader could then feed him his own testicles at their leisure. For cases of official wedlock, the girl's hymen would be legally broken by the priest or some local civic dignitary or minor royal, in a small ceremony attended by neighbours and the press.
..There is some suggestion that schoolgirls are deliberately becoming pregnant in order to create a being that will love them. Teachers can counter this tendency by demonstrating to them that they are already loved. Mr. Blair's Inspector of Schools, Chris Woodhead, used to do something of the sort during his days in the profession.
..Finally, a little reverse psychology could be tried. Government campaigns against a thing only succeed in making it cool. Teenage smoking has increased dramatically since campaigns to wipe it out started, while talk of banning foxhunting has served to make it hip amongst those of us who are fond of civil liberties. Rather than seeking to dissuade kids from having sex, the Prime Minister should encourage them to do it. He should talk graphically about his own love-life, and release nude photographs of him and Mrs. Borgia making the beast with two backs. I can guarantee that no-one, anywhere, will ever have sex ever again.