KEEP YOUR PANTS ON YOU LITTLE BASTARDS!
HOW TO STOP KIDS HAVING SEX
T.Blair, statesman and human being manque, has recently
called for a moral crusade against underage sex and other depravities
which threaten to undermine the fabric of the blah blah.
..While it is strange for one who
sneaks from his Downing Street lair in the dead of night to ritually murder working
class families in their beds to prate of morality, for once I am in
agreement with Mr. Beelzebub.
..Kids as young as 12 and 13 having sex
is deeply depressing. It is depressing because when I was that age
I was still playing Dungeons and Dragons. I felt the occasional strange
stirring in my loins when I saw a picture of some beauteous
elf-maiden in chain mail, but I knew not that it betokened the
onset of manhood.
..In my group at school, our equivalent
of losing your virginity was reading The Lord of the Rings.
'Have you gone all the way yet?' 'No, but I've got to first base,
where Gandalf falls down the pit.' An innocent way to spend puberty,
but one that has wreaked havoc on my sexuality. My primary sexual
images are bizarre to say the least, and must be for many of my
generation; any enterprising pornographer wishing to make his fortune
should publish magazines like 'Elf Babes In Peril' (Dozens of Doe-Eyed
Damsels! You Can Save Them From A Troll!). I fondly look forward
to my wedding night, when I will try to persuade my wife that if she
loved me she would wear chain-mail and pointed ears.
..Be that as it may, how are we to prevent
the current generation of schoolchildren from fucking like minks?
..Plainly, some sort of electronic tagging
device is called for. I propose a tag similar to those placed on
clothes on department stores be affixed to every young girl's hymen.
If the seal is broken, a very loud alarm bell located in her abdomen
would go off. Simultaneously, thanks to a series of bionic implants,
her legs would snap shut and her cervical muscles contract, holding
the penetrator securely in place, trapping him like a thief caught
by a car immobilizer. The girl's father or community leader could
then feed him his own testicles at their leisure. For cases of
official wedlock, the girl's hymen would be legally broken by the
priest or some local civic dignitary or minor royal, in a small ceremony attended
by neighbours and the press.
..There is some suggestion that schoolgirls are deliberately becoming pregnant in order to create a being
that will love them. Teachers can counter this tendency by
demonstrating to them that they are already loved. Mr. Blair's
Inspector of Schools, Chris Woodhead, used to do something of the
sort during his days in the profession.
..Finally, a little reverse psychology
could be tried. Government campaigns against a thing only succeed
in making it cool. Teenage smoking has increased dramatically since
campaigns to wipe it out started, while talk of banning foxhunting
has served to make it hip amongst those of us who are fond of
civil liberties. Rather than seeking to dissuade kids from having
sex, the Prime Minister should encourage them to do it. He should
talk graphically about his own love-life, and release nude photographs
of him and Mrs. Borgia making the beast with two backs. I can guarantee
that no-one, anywhere, will ever have sex ever again.