Michael Kelly

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Some pieces contain vulgarity and the occasional swear-word




==

The whole thing's like something out of Plutarch

I thought God's show-running skills had declined since
the Second World War, but this has been a really top-notch arc

It's almost worth having lived through all the madness to see the end

(Please God let it be the end, don't milk it, delighted us sufficiently,
on to the next thing now)

==

Wait wait sorted now, I can move to Gaza and live by US laws

Holy shit I can't cope with it all

...But I mean what's my role to be in the new world?
I should actually be glad of the five-year breathing space
before the revolution comes here, because after that I'm boned, creatively
A big part of my metier is complaint, and it's going to be misplaced
in the new mood of optimism
I've forgotten how to respond to a world that isn't mad

I mean my time-sense is wobbly but are we still only in the second week now?
Soon he's going to be fixing toasters and tv remotes, banning TV channels from
interrupting film credits you're trying to watch,
I won't even be able to whine about them

Year three he'll be personally curing every single person's individual problems

A really high-powered life-coach or Marje Proops with the resources of a vast nation at her command

Those DOGE nerds will follow you around for a day with clipboards
and then tell you what your basic flaw is

Then he'll start playing Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen for everyone,
getting the US marine corps in to redecorate your house and improve ergonomic flow

(AI is going to be the blue octopus, though, see below, I'll still have that to gripe about,
but to complain about anything ever again would seem captious)

==

Holy Christ what's happening is it real? But I ask that in a delightful way,
'Am I dreaming?' after twenty-odd years of, 'Is this a nightmare?'

Trump was only playing at being Trump before he got shot in the head

The only thing I can compare it to is some Christmas morning when Santa
brought everything I asked for, but also all kinds of things I didn't dare
to dream of asking for, such as the heads of all my enemies served on a silver platter

Except (I have to keep reminding myself) I'm not frigging American

Is there some German word that's the opposite of schadenfreude? Joy in nice things
happening to other people? Whatever it is it doesn't sit well

I'd immigrate but it's not allowed

If I declare myself a US consulate can I live by their laws?
Wait wait wait, what if I identify as American?

'I have always known. I knew before I hit puberty.
I pronounce coffee cawwwfee and mirror meer,
and say things like burglarize and raperate and enmurderment.
I am an American trapped in an Englishman's body trapped in Starmer's England
I demand a course of hormone treatments, namely pure freaking testosterone,
and the right to buy proper lightbulbs and real coal,
and then to shoot all the lightbulbs and use a flamethrower on the coal just because I can.'

==

I've noticed the elite, even in literary discussions and such,
keep pushing a line about The Danger of Nostalgia

  'Nostalgic for a time before infants were murdered in nursery school'
  'A perilously romantic reactionary hankering for
the days before people were burned to death on the New York subway'
  'Mentally stuck in the bucolic whimsy of an era before rape gangs'
  'Fixated on a bygone age of comforting but misplaced certainties such as "Women don't have dicks."'
  'An alarmingly simplistic yearning for a probably mythical age of free speech.'
  'We should guard against the siren seduction of rose-tinted medievalist fantasies
of affordable fuel and light-bulbs that took less than five minutes to come on.'
  'The twee cosiness of a Ladybird-book world where women and Jews could walk the
streets safely.'

==

I was lying under a Christmas tree and I half-heard some twat on the news enthusiastically
reporting the unveiling of an Environmentally Friendly Cow. They may have said
world's first, because, yknow, all the cows that have come before, oh fuck it what's the point.

I presume it's genetically modified, or selectively bred to have no arsehole,
maybe the gas backs up into their stomachs until they expand like balloons and go
floating into the air, they have to be tethered to the ground and reeled in at milking time,
I could go for that actually

And all the lefties and so-called greenies will applaud it like mongoloid seals
at a free-fish party with clowns

If you ever get in an argument with someone who
believes in global warming (I dont meet anyone who does
in real life, it's another of those things only the elites still cling to)
just repeat the words 'Environmentally-friendly cow. Environmentally-friendly cow. Environmentally-friendly cow,' over and over and over,
occasionally adding 'and of course its corollary, Environmentally-UNfriendly cows'
in an even more contemptuous voice. If they don't blush with embarrassment
shake them by the throat a bit and shout it louder and louder and louder
and louder until your jaws expand big enough to bite their frigging heads off,
but maybe don't do it all in one go, maybe just bite the front of their head off
like it's a crunchy/chewy chocolate, and then spit it out, and then scream
'Environmentally FRIENDLY COWWWWWWW' into their faceless bleeding sliced-off remnant
of diseased fuckwit brain one last time

Then adjust your cufflinks and stalk off coldly with your nose in the air,
conscious of a moral victory by virtue of your elegant restraint

(By the way the floods in England are largely because they fucked with the river-banks somehow
on 'greeny' grounds, I think there were some trees or bushes or plants or something that
fell out of favour so they got rid of them and it bollocksed everything because they were
stopping erosion of the banks or something, I forget, if anyone knows please send me a link,
but I don't really care any more, as I say I never meet them and if I did
I would just go Environmentally Friendly Cow)

==

I've reached a point where whenever I note or mention some black irony or terrible hypocrisy
or horrendous unfairness of modern life I just feel like an attentive art-critic to the devil.
'I'm glad you noticed that, I worried it would be too subtle,' he purrs in delight.

==

Oh, can we have riots and protests over Rotherham this many years too late? Great, let's do that,
then, and then work backwards from there

==

Do they still do the thing of regular scheduled US prez - UK PM phone calls?
That's going to be the highlight of Trump's week.
This ball of energy and egomania who just announced the millennium and may have been
chosen by God, on the phone to this damp stain of negative charisma -
as Quentin Letts just noted, the living embodiment of dunkelflaute.

  "On Monday we're going to start drilling to the earth's core to harness the magma.
Tuesday, irrigate the Mojave and turn the Great Lakes into a jacuzzi.
Wednesday carve Long Island into my likeness, Thursday end the war between cats and dogs.
On Friday I raise the Titanic and mandate that NBC and CNN have to play the 'James Brown
singing Living in America' scene from Rocky IV every hour on the hour."
  "We're going to ban pork scratchings and put seatbelts on pedal-cars."
  "You ever jump out of high windows? I find it bracing. I like the serenely chiding looks
on the angels' faces when they catch you. There's this one angel I'm sure I could make if we
were on our own but they always come in pairs and I'm starting to slow up.
Beats the hell out of elevators, anyway."
  "But elevators have muzak. I like muzak."



==

I had a dream, I was in the future,
a proper future, futuristic, and it was great in some ways
except they all had a blue octopus attached to their bodies
This future society looked back on our time smugly,
they were over woke and global warming hysteria
and chopping kids' genitals off and all the rest of the shit,
they laughed at us and were all 'how could those primitives do that',
but they were all wearing these weird blue octopuses,
that was the next thing, they couldn't see how ridiculous
they looked, I mean the octopuses were all over them,
there'd be a tentacle up their arses and one on their
genitals and one in their ears fucking or sucking their brains,
and they barely even noticed, they never questioned it, that
was what the next thing was, they'd been taught it in schools
and all their celebrities endorsed it, that was where it was at,
they all took the blue octopus,
that was the next thing God or the devil or history had come up with
to make us all absurd


==

The best article I've read on the British Post Office scandal,
and the only one to enable me to properly understand it (but not forgive).
(Many other good things on that site)

==


Ulrich's book is now out of print with Dover. Some of my own stash of copies of the original are still available.


==

MY NEW BOOK IS AVAILABLE. Click here to buy


My other book

Ulrich Haarburste's book


Also, I may be publishing one or two even newer and much stranger books next year

==

I am currently available for hire to do almost anything, up to and including murder and chicken-sodomy.

==


The Lost Art of Seduction

Why I Love Victor Mature's Eyelids

How To Be Calm

A Bad Kid

Korsakov's

Where I Went for My Holidays

Bio Hazard

A Rare Find

Station XXX

Blood Thirsty

Bible Studies

Online Support Groups

Online Sperm Bank

Some Obscure Saints

Pass Notes

The Detectives' Exchange Scheme

French Intellectuals in Afghanistan

Dear Clarissa

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Your Questions Answered

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How to Avoid Christmas

Gene Genie

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The City on the Edge of Tomorrow

Around the Galleries

Balls

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Klotilda: A Fragment

How to Talk Foolish

Fire Brand

Test your Lateral Thinking

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Film Fun

Harrumph

Just Gotta Dance

Second Delivery

How To Sabotage Your Page Ranking

Darkness Risible

Just Found This

Is More

Next Act

Wind

Journal of Distraction

Classical Stalker

Rights and Wrongs

Wardrobe Malfunction

Treacher Teacher

Jack Boots

Is Sequel

Doomsday Book

That's Gotta Hurt

Sooty and Sweep Macbeth

In Memoriam

The Martyrdom of Larry Grayson

Deleted Scene from 'Godawful Life'

Around the Forums

Bum Notes

Here Comes the Happy Bus

A Christmas Ghost Story

A Small But Dispiriting Incident

Nnnn

Buzzkill

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Pour les Bande-Dessinéastes

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Get a Grip

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Clara and Miles Radio Script

The 237 New Genders

Unorthodontistry

A Good Year For Neurosis

Cache '22

How Every Film Starts

The Saddest Story

The Rude Word History Of The World

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