The Campaign to Free East Prussia
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A German correspondent, Karl August Schultz, writes:
- On my latest trip to America, every now and again I
would spot stickers on automobiles reading, "Free Tibet!" Seeing such,
I couldn't help but shed a tear at the fact that Americans were neglecting the plight
of my own people. Us Prussians are a simple people with according desires: simple beer,
gothic architecture and the occasional blood sacrifice. Yet still our nation was savagely
taken by us by international conspirators as "war reparations" to Poland in a minor military
conflict of
no real significance. Hopefully someday, the plight of our humble people
will be told.
I intend to tell it sir! I am outraged that this story has received so little international
coverage! I shall not rest nor shall my sword sleep in its scabbard until justice is obtained
for your people!
Karl August Schultz: the Dalai Lama of the Prussians
The Conspiracy
You are unlikely to find the Potsdam Conference of 1945 mentioned in any of the history books.
Yet it
was here, apparently, that the sinister cabal of the fascists Harry S. Truman, Winston Churchill
and Josef Stalin foregathered in secret to carve up Europe between them. Here it was that East
Prussia was so cavalierly handed over to the scheming Poles. And yet Germany had no say in the
matter. And why? Because the German leader had recently been found dead in mysterious
circumstances, the victim of an apparent 'suicide' - or so it was claimed, for his body has
never been produced.
Who speaks for the Prussians?
Michael Kelly's Page of Misery is proud to inaugurate the Campaign To Liberate East Prussia.
For too long this plucky little country has been crushed beneath the heel of the tyrannical
Poles. The Prussian culture has been erased and places with relatively sensible German names are
now called things like 'Czczczczwicz'
or 'Pizzpot'. The few Prussians remaining in the occupied territory are humbled and downtrodden
and forced to eat inferior Polish sausage. Their pretty native costume of black shirts and
jackboots is now no longer to be seen.
The once proud towns of East Prussia, now groaning beneath
the Polish heel and given degrading names like 'Elk', 'Morag'
and 'Pisz'.
What Can YOU Do To Help?
Protest vigorously and often. Here are some useful addresses:
The United Nations
Write to the UN to protest the Polish occupation of East Prussia:
UN Commission on Human Rights
OHCHR-UNOG
8-14 Avenue de la Paix
1211 Geneva 10, Switzerland
Telephone Number (41-22) 917-9000
E-mail petitions to: tb-petitions@ohchr.org
Or write directly to the government of Libya, who are chairing the UN's Human Rights Commission
this year. Colonel Gadaffi knows what it's like to be misunderstood and he may give the
Prussians a fair hearing.
The Nobel Peace Prize Committee
Nominate Karl August Schultz for the Nobel Peace Prize:
The Norwegian Nobel Institute
Drammensveien 19,
NO-0255 OSLO
+47 22 12 93 00 tel
+47 22 12 93 10 fax
Suggested wording:
- Sirs,
I urge you to consider Karl August Schultz, patriot and saint in human form, the Simon Bolivar
of the Prussians, for the Nobel Peace Prize for his work in bringing the plight of the East
Prussian people to the attention of the world. Although provoked beyond measure he has not yet
killed anyone to the best of my knowledge.
Signed,
[Your name, or better, the name of someone eminent and trustworthy, e.g. Neil Armstrong]
The Pope
The Vatican Website:
www.vatican.va
A self-confessed Pole, the Holy Father has never spoken out on the East Prussian issue.
Indeed, he is almost certainly a leading figure in the international Polack media
conspiracy that has kept this outrage hidden.
Write thusly to the Pope:
- You Polish bastard,
What about the Prussians, you Polish
bastard? I want you to know I will
be touching myself every night the
occupation of Prussia lasts, or
endeavouring to persuade a close friend to
touch me, and if I go to Hell it's your
fault. You Polish bastard.
Quiz Shows
The Weakest Link
Fifteen to One
Appearing on a quiz show is a good way to obtain publicity for the cause. Act casually
during auditions lest the Polish media conspiracy gets suspicious. If you get to appear on
an actual
programme, though, no matter what question you are asked, reply, calmly but firmly,
'Eastern Prussia will rise again.'
Beyond all that you can boycott Polish businesses and donate the money saved to me here. If you
can help the campaign in any other way please contact me.
One day, let us hope, the towns of East Prussia will once again ring with the sound of
polite heel-clicking and the happy
traditional calls
of 'Bitte', 'You permit?' and
'If the one who did this does not own up I will shoot you all.'
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Already people all over the world are mobilizing against the Polish oppressors.
A Song for Prussia
Todd from California has composed this Freedom Song for Prussia:
-
"Prussian Brothers"
Prussian brothers laughing in the sun
Never did no harm to anyone
Polacks came and took the land away
Now there's nowhere for the children to play
Well hold up lonely Prussian
Don't give up the fight
Let me be your cushion
I will sing your plight
You will return
You will return
You will return one day
It is a thing of crapness but his heart is in the right place.
I am hoping to organize a Concert for Prussia. If you are a member or the manager of a band,
no matter how talentless, or if you have written a song or poem about the occupation of Prussia,
please get in touch.
The Boycott Begins
My call for a boycott on Polish exports is already being heeded.
Dave G. from Canada writes:
'My girlfriend took me to an art-house cinema to watch a Krzysztof Kieslowski film
called "Decalogue". It deals with the
problems of morality in an amoral world and is ten hours long.'
Those dirty Polish bastards.
'As soon as I found out Kieslowski is Polish I was outraged and decided to boycott.
Actually, I fell asleep, but
I would have walked out if I hadn't.'
You make me proud, sir.
Our Leader Speaks
Karl August Schultz, the Garibaldi of the Prussians, has contacted me to express how moved and
encouraged he is by our campaign. He it was who designed the stirring 'Free Prussia' emblem at
the top of the page. He wishes it to be known that this graphic is available as a bumper sticker,
T-shirt, or infant's bib.
Another Song for Prussia
Someone calling themselves 'The Notorious M.O.I.' has penned the following Freedom Rap:
-
Mutha Prussa
Mutha Prussia
Mutha Prussia
Yo the bomb
Yo, Mutha Prussia
I'm backing yo ass
I'm down wit you, mutha
Those devilz be wak
Karl August Schultz,
I'm straight trippin' boo
Gonna knuckle my AK
Cap some Poles for you
While I appreciate your efforts the campaign condones neither violence nor bad spelling. Please
ask a grown-up for help next time.
More on the Conspiracy!
A Mr. Martin Bormann writes from Paraguay to point out that the East Prussian province ceded
to Poland was only a fraction of the land stolen from Germany by the international conspiracy.
He sends the following map of German territory circa 1941 to illustrate:
This is outrageous! Why isn't this taught in schools? Look how much those French bastards grabbed.
However, I don't know if this falls within the remit of our campaign. Herr Schultz is a Prussian
patriot and I am not sure how far he is interested in justice for Germany as a whole. He describes
Bavarians as 'inbred mountain people' and Austrians as irredeemable degenerates. Without clarification
I am reluctant to widen the scope of the protests.
Fighting the Power, Buffoon-Style
Jake from Sydney has smashed up a barber's pole as a symbolic gesture.
'Pole, get it?'
Yes.
'Would it be possible to obtain funds for my legal defence?'
No.
This Campaign is Doomed
Gareth from the City of London writes that he was thinking of buying a Skoda but to protest the
Polish occupation is now going to purchase a Porsche.
Your sacrifice makes me proud. I think Skodas are Czech, but never mind.
_________
I have just had an interesting mail from a Professor of Modern European history. In light of new
information this campaign is discontinued.
14th March '03
--
PS. I've been told that someone ripped this off to write a sledgehammer satire. It could be
coincidence. Either way it was here six months before.
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