Excuse me, could you extract this tooth for me?

Ayyxcyooose mee pleeease, kod choo oxtrect zis toof fur meee? It hurrrt me, ow, ow, ow, pain, me no like pain, look, look, look how I cry, I cry, how sad, how sad, I cry and no-one care

I need a filling

There is an indefinable void, don't you think - or do you? - in all of our lives today. Some try to fill it with God, some with drugs, some with Hornby model train sets. Personally I have a void in my upper left incisor and am inclined to fill it with a mercury and silver amalgam. Let this be performed promptly and efficiently and a handsome reward awaits you; fail, and I will sodomize your cat

I would like an anaesthetic

I, um, the word is, I heard that, you're the guy to, um, I heard that for special patients you, um, like I heard that supposing a man wanted to get a little of that stiff-face action, you know someone who wants to get comfortably numb...you're the guy to see. Come on, daddy, I know you're holding, slip me some of that sugar, I'll treat you gooood, you know I will, come on daddy, jack me up good now, whooo-eee

I do not need an anaesthetic

What? And end up in some South American dance-hall? Mother warned me about men like you

I find I need an anaesthetic after all

Whyyy you kill I? Whyyyy you kill I? Me no like drill, drill hurrrt, you give me plenty heap medicine make man brave or I make wee-wee on seat

You are a very pretty dental nurse. Are you doing anything later on?

You are a dental nurse of the most hygienic. Much of the slobber I produced was on your account; if it means anything at all to you, I entreat you to keep it. I expect you get these propositions all the time, but if you are not doing anything later on it would give me a very great deal of pleasure if you would allow me to stand next to you in a cupboard and poka da nipples, hahaa, me like poka da nipples, hurrr

I would like...

Meep, meep, loading...

...some cigarettes

Joe, Joe, you glive me cigalette, Joe, USA No.1 Joe, me love you long time, no.1 chop ficky-ficky

...a lighter

You. Give. Firestick. To me. Give it to MEEEE. Me like fire. Hurr. Me like to burrrrn thingggss. Me make FIRE, the promethean brand, the divine spark within each of us, warmth, sustenance, hearth, home, mother, mistress, although you get blisters on your dick, obviously

...some pipecleaners

Psst. 'Ere. I 'eard as you was the bloke to come to for... (cough) pipecleaners. Never mind what for, Mush. Arsk no questions, keep your balls in your scrotum, naa'd a mean? Yerrr. Gurna clean a pipe with them, that's what for, hahahaa, must remember that one, gurna clean a pipe with them, they'll like that, the boys. DON'T JUST HAND THEM OVER LIKE THAT. In broad daylight? Where's your thinking? What is this, amateur hour? Meet me by the docks at midnight. Come alone and wear nothing but espadrilles. And bring your nipples, hahaa, me like poka da nipples

...a pipe

We. Smokum. Pipe. You. Me. Become Brothers. Wear matching ponchos. Buy holiday home together. Plait each other's hair. Today is a good day to stuff a churchwarden - but then when isn't, I should like to know? You don't hear them complaining

Do you have a table for two?

Dooo-a you-man habum sit-at-plank-food-goes-on-it for twice bipeds, hnnn? And give us a smile or I'll kick yer teeth in

I would like to order some food

Bring. Mouth stuff. Put in mouth thing. Me pick. Man who stands, with pencil, bring pencil, write things. For meeee. Me pick. Mouth stuff. Want mowwwwf stuff nowwww. Por favor

I would like a glass of water

Whyyy you kill I? Whyyyy you kill I? I die, I die of thirst, look, look, tongue is dry, you bring-um sloppy-invisible-stuff-him-go-in-glass, with shocking, even brutal immediacy

You are a very attractive waitress; what are you doing later on?

Urr priddy laydeee, apron laydeee, here apron laydee, you talk me, I liiike, hurrr, you and me hnn? I poka da nipples, yah, me like poka da nipples, hee. But is not allowed often

This food is not satisfactory

Whyyyyy you kill I? Whyyyy you kill I? Cackee cackee, not like, you will hear from my lawyers before three suns have risen, son of a perro, or my name is not Jesus Montoya Hatchback

I would like a room for two nights please

Attention, ill-bred son of a grouting inspector, I am commandeering a second-floor front for the greater glory of the Reich. Pray it ends there and I do not burn this whole verminous dump down around your involuted low-caste ears. You will have your wife and any non-mongoloid daughters sprayed with disinfectant and conveyed thither at once

I would like a bathroom

I am commandeering your bath for the Greta Garbo of the Reich, look you. Run and see it has wheels on it OR I SHOOT YOUR PARRAKEET hahaha yes pigdog and debauch your bellboy and poka da nipples

(note: inflection is crucial)

Please arrange for my luggage to be taken upstairs

Whyyyy you kill I? Whyyyyy you kill I? Heavy case, me not like, arm is tiiiired, arm floppy, look, look, arm falling off, and you were about to stand there and watch me carry it, you unfeeling brute. Men.

When is the next train due?

When is choo-choo? Choo-choo not come. Choo-choo not come many minutes. I am a prey to existential despair

You. Give. Ticket. To Meeee. Give it. To meeeee. I. Give. Moneys. For Ticket. For. CHOO-CHOO

I not come back! Ha ha ha! I not come back!

I come back! Ha ha! I come back and seeeee you. You stay box, I go choo-choo but COME BACK
Soon.
Soooooon.

How late will the train be?

YOU ARE VIOLATING MY HUMAN RIGHTS. YOU ARE VIOLATING MY HUMAN RIGHTS. THIS IS GENOCIDE AGAINST MY PEOPLE. THIS IS GENOCIDE AGAINST MY PEEEEEPLE

YOU HAVE VIOLATED MY HUMAN RIGHTS. YOU HAVE VIOLATED MY HUMAN RIGHTS. THIS IS MASS GENOCIDE IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. YOU HAVE RAPED ME. YOU HAVE DESTROYED MY CULTURE

Hello, pretty fellow commuter, we meet again; perhaps we should pursue this accidental relationship further

I sit next to you on choo-choo, poka da nipples

Help, I have fallen onto the tracks

Whyyyy you kill I? Whyyyyy you kill I?

(repeat until rescued)

I wish to report a crime

Psst. 'Ere. A little birdie told me something, see? Something as you'd like to know, copper. No names no pack drill. I'll give you the full S.P. for fifty knicker and safe passage to Ionia - fair Ionia, where the myrtle blooms, and the girls hang up their girdles for the goddess, and ALL THE CHIPS YOU CAN EAT for three drachmas, see? They don't know they're born

I wish to report that my luggage has been stolen

MY HUMAN RIGHTS HAVE BEEN VIOLATED. MY HUMAN RIGHTS HAVE BEEN VIOLATED. I AM THE VICTIM OF GENOCIDE. YOU ARE DENYING MY RIGHT TO EXIST. CALL A COUNSELLOR. CALL A RAPE THERAPIST. I'LL SUE YOU FOR NEGLIGENCE. I'LL POST SARIN TO YER GRANNNYYYYY

I wish to report that I have lost a small toy pig, my constant companion and friend in adversity since childhood

Mine pig! Mine pig! But where is mine pig? Oh where can that piggy be? Where can it beeeeeee? Mister policemans.

I wish to report that I find you a very attractive police officer

A strange god has invaded my loins; my part soars like a hawk to see you. Today is a good day to poka da nipples, hmm, you let me poka da nipples? Wear nothing but your helmet

Help! Police brutality! Stop hitting me

Whyyyyyy you kill I? Whyyyy you kill I?

I inveigle one to seclusion, poka nipples?

Toilet-sex! Is here! One time only! Missus

Shave my back, I is MOULTING MOMMA

I is infected with the violence of the age; want kill plenty-peoples. You?

I is infected with clap; leaving puddle; best not budge along bench when I leave, haha

Where is mine piggy? WHERE. IS. PIGEEEEEE

Nipples, hahaa, I see you are gifted with nipples, and what a fine day for it as your great bard William Shatner says, hahaha, indeed

Bernard Bresslaw, don't you think

Also she (he) hav nipples; I like poka da nipples I think

hurber hurber hurber HURBER

Index
11th Aug 04