A Brief History of the Future

Headlines from tomorrow

[Written 2000]


Scientists isolate John Prescott gene: parents will be able to screen

Millennium Dome bosses resort to kidnap to boost attendance
Schoolchildren's eight-hour ordeal

Lord Sir Michael Ashcroft to be given O.B.E.

New snub to countryside as green wellies banned

Scientists clone cress


Hague plan to house immigrants in Millennium Dome condemned as cruel

Downing Street commissions Fatboy Slim National Anthem remix for jubilee celebrations
Palace would prefer William Orbit

Lord Sir Michael Ashcroft O.B.E. to be given Blue Peter badge

Fresh doubts on ethical foreign policy as British firm wins contract to re-arm IRA

EU directive to regulate penis curvature


Doctor 'ate patient's leg' while nurses laughed

Blair apologizes to descendants of fish killed in Dambusters raid

Queen to install Webcam in bedroom
Shower-cam may be pay-per-view

Scientist grafts Fig Newton onto giraffe

Nut allergy boy suffocates in room containing traces of Ann Widdecombe


Supervirus kills 12, escapes in stolen car

New Criminal Justice bill will give Straw power to intercept meaningful glances

Cigarettes to be edited out of classic films
Bogart and Bacall will nibble carrots

Lord Sir Michael Ashcroft O.B.E., B.P.B. to be given pat on the head

Scientist grafts self onto Naomi Campbell


Police must be given dinosaurs, says Hague
  William Hague has called for the police to be armed with dinosaurs as soon as the genetic engineering technology becomes available.
  "People would think twice about snatching a handbag or stealing a car if they saw a policeman riding towards them on a stegosaurus or triceratops," he told a meeting of Conservative activists last night, promising that the next election would be fought on a slogan of "a diplodocus in every street." He continued, "Imagine if police could fly around on a fleet of pterodactyls, swooping down wherever they spotted a crime. That is the kind of Britain I want."
  New Labour spokesmen were quick to respond, pointing out that Tony Blair had first suggested the idea of a police Dinosaur Response Unit in a talk to a group of Girl Guides six months ago and that Jack Straw has repeatedly called for the formation of crack Special Branch squads riding some kind of slimy giant caterpillars.

EU prosecutes UK marijuana dealer for using Imperial weights


GM crops smash up nightclub

Hackers disrupt Vatican's online confessional service
Woman damned for all eternity for stealing Curly-Wurly

EU to enforce hairy armpits for British women

Stealth blackboard eraser will give teachers more firepower

Para-military wing of Women's Institute pickles Blair


Superwasp will respond to swearing
  Picnics and breakfasts on the patio blighted by insects may soon be a thing of the past thanks to scientists in America who have created a genetically modified wasp that will respond to swearing.
  When told to "Piss off," the new superwasp will fly off a short distance and hang its head in shame.
  If told to, "Die, you little bastard," it will dig itself a grave and lie there resignedly waiting for you to squash it.
  "We're all really excited by this," said Professor Roald Klingstrom of Harvard University. "The next step is to create a wasp so repulsed by the smell of jam that teams of them acting in concert will replace the lid of the jam-jar if you leave it off."
  Even this is only the beginning. Says Professor Klingstrom, "Far from being a pest, the wasps of the future can have a valuable role to play in society. Imagine a world where wasps are trained to do acupuncture, escort children to and from school, or perform little dance routines to cheer up the elderly."

Archbishop of Canterbury to shave arse for Telethon


Leper chic hits the catwalks

EU to enforce quota of Edith Piaf songs at Last Night of the Proms

Scientists create collapsible elephant

Woman impregnated by GM crops gives birth to baby sweetcorn


Monroe clone 'may have taste for flesh'
  The bizarre story of the man who cloned Marilyn Monroe in his bedroom took a fresh twist last night when it emerged that the duplicate may be a mutant with a taste for raw flesh.
  Michael Kelly, who claims to be in his late middle twenties and gives his occupation as 'Student of life', is currently awaiting trial after cloning Miss Monroe in his bedroom at his parents' house. Kelly obtained samples of the actress's DNA sequence from memorabilia on display at a Planet Hollywood restaurant and created the doppleganger with a do-it-yourself cloning kit purchased mail-order from Libya. Although the clones grow to adulthood in a matter of hours, they have no knowledge of the world whatsoever and Kelly appears to have trained the Monroe duplicate to think of him as God. He kept her hidden in a wardrobe when his parents were around and his mother first became suspicious when she heard a voice singing, 'My heart belongs to Daddy,' whilst tidying his bedroom.
  Yesterday social workers attempting to de-program the clone, who still refers to Kelly as 'The Master', claimed that something had gone wrong in the cloning process and that the creature was a vicious mutant with unusual carnivorous tendencies and a prehensile tongue. Meanwhile Kelly's mother attested that the corpses of several missing household pets had been found in the wardrobe where the Monroe creature was kept. Their heads had been bitten off and their bodies cocooned in a strange substance resembling a spider's web.
  Kelly has refused to comment on the claims except to quote the last line of Monroe's film Some Like It Hot: 'Nobody's perfect.'
  Speculation was mounting last night that this may not have been Kelly's first attempt at cloning a 20th Century actress. In particular, police may now have to give credence to a local farmer's claim that Sophia Loren has been savaging his sheep. They may also have to re-open the case of Kelly's neighbour Elsie Jennings, 82, who was taken into psychiatric care after claiming a six-inch tall Rita Hayworth had attempted to bite through her jugular. Significantly, during preliminary interviews with police Kelly said that he had been in relationships with women before Miss Monroe but 'they didn't work out' and that he 'had to give them their freedom.'
  Questions will be asked in the House of Commons today about how sophisticated bio-technology came to fall into the hands of a man described by his high-school science teacher as 'a certifiable imbecile'. Frank Bateman, 56, who lost his eyebrows in a freak explosion resulting from Kelly's attempt to follow a simple experiment to find the boiling point of water, said last night, 'God help us all. Christ only knows how many more hideous blood-sucking golems he has unleashed upon the world. The man is a moron.'

GM shark will give haircuts


BBC sold to Murdoch

Royal Family sold to Disney

NHS abolished

EU bans Union Jack

Parliament to become Age of Democracy theme park

Kelly rescued from prison by 50-foot Catherine Zeta Jones monster
Police give chase on dinosaurs