[Written 2000]
Millennium Dome bosses resort to kidnap to boost attendance
Schoolchildren's eight-hour ordeal
Lord Sir Michael Ashcroft to be given O.B.E.
New snub to countryside as green wellies banned
Scientists clone cress
Downing Street commissions Fatboy Slim National Anthem remix for jubilee celebrations
Palace would prefer William Orbit
Fresh doubts on ethical foreign policy as British firm wins contract to re-arm IRA
EU directive to regulate penis curvature
Blair apologizes to descendants of fish killed in Dambusters raid
Queen to install Webcam in bedroom
Scientist grafts Fig Newton onto giraffe
Nut allergy boy suffocates in room containing traces of Ann Widdecombe
New Criminal Justice bill will give Straw power to intercept meaningful glances
Cigarettes to be edited out of classic films
Lord Sir Michael Ashcroft O.B.E., B.P.B. to be given pat on the head
Scientist grafts self onto Naomi Campbell
EU prosecutes UK marijuana dealer for using Imperial weights
Hackers disrupt Vatican's online confessional service
EU to enforce hairy armpits for British women
Stealth blackboard eraser will give teachers more firepower
Para-military wing of Women's Institute pickles Blair
Archbishop of Canterbury to shave arse for Telethon
EU to enforce quota of Edith Piaf songs at Last Night of the Proms
Scientists create collapsible elephant
Woman impregnated by GM crops gives birth to baby sweetcorn
GM shark will give haircuts
Royal Family sold to Disney
NHS abolished
EU bans Union Jack
Parliament to become Age of Democracy theme park
Kelly rescued from prison by 50-foot Catherine Zeta Jones monster2003
Doctor 'ate patient's leg' while nurses laughed
Shower-cam may be pay-per-view2004
Supervirus kills 12, escapes in stolen car
Bogart and Bacall will nibble carrots2005
Police must be given dinosaurs, says Hague
William Hague has called for the police to be armed with dinosaurs as soon
as the genetic engineering technology becomes available.
"People would think twice about snatching a handbag or stealing a car if they
saw a policeman riding towards them on a stegosaurus or triceratops," he told a
meeting of Conservative activists last night,
promising that the next election would be fought on a slogan of "a diplodocus in every street." He
continued, "Imagine if police could fly around on a fleet of pterodactyls, swooping down
wherever they spotted a crime. That is the kind of Britain I want."
New Labour spokesmen were quick to respond, pointing out that Tony Blair had first suggested
the idea of a police Dinosaur Response Unit in a talk to a group of Girl Guides six months ago and that
Jack Straw has repeatedly
called for the formation of crack Special Branch squads riding some kind of slimy giant
caterpillars.2006
GM crops smash up nightclub
Woman damned for all eternity for stealing Curly-Wurly2007
Superwasp will respond to swearing
Picnics and breakfasts on the patio blighted by insects may soon be a thing of
the past thanks to scientists in America who have created a genetically modified wasp that
will respond to swearing.
When told to "Piss off," the new superwasp will fly off a short distance and hang
its head in shame.
If told to, "Die, you little bastard," it will dig itself a grave and lie there
resignedly waiting for you to squash it.
"We're all really excited by this," said Professor Roald Klingstrom of Harvard
University. "The next step is to create a wasp so repulsed by the smell of jam that teams
of them acting in concert will replace the lid of the jam-jar if you leave it off."
Even this is only the beginning. Says Professor Klingstrom, "Far from being a
pest, the wasps of the future can have a valuable role to play in society. Imagine a world
where wasps are trained to do acupuncture, escort children to and from school, or perform
little dance routines to cheer up the elderly."2008
Leper chic hits the catwalks2009
Monroe clone 'may have taste for flesh'
The bizarre story of the man who cloned Marilyn Monroe in his bedroom took a fresh
twist last night when it emerged that the duplicate may be a mutant with a taste for raw flesh.
Michael Kelly, who claims to be in his late middle twenties and gives his occupation
as 'Student of life', is currently awaiting trial after cloning Miss Monroe in his bedroom at
his parents' house. Kelly obtained samples of the actress's DNA sequence from memorabilia on display
at a Planet Hollywood restaurant and created the doppleganger with a do-it-yourself cloning kit
purchased mail-order from Libya. Although the clones grow to adulthood in a matter of hours, they
have no knowledge of the world whatsoever and Kelly appears to have trained the Monroe duplicate
to think of him as God. He kept her hidden in a wardrobe when his parents were around and his
mother first became suspicious when she heard a voice singing, 'My heart belongs to Daddy,'
whilst tidying his bedroom.
Yesterday social workers attempting to de-program the clone, who still refers to
Kelly as 'The Master', claimed that something had gone wrong in the cloning process and that
the creature was a vicious mutant with unusual carnivorous tendencies and a prehensile tongue.
Meanwhile Kelly's mother attested that the corpses of several missing household pets had
been found in the wardrobe where the Monroe creature was kept. Their heads had been bitten
off and their bodies cocooned in a strange substance resembling a spider's web.
Kelly has refused to comment on the claims except to quote the last line of Monroe's
film Some Like It Hot: 'Nobody's perfect.'
Speculation was mounting last night that this may not have been Kelly's first
attempt at cloning a 20th Century actress. In particular, police may now have to give credence
to a local farmer's claim that Sophia Loren has been savaging his sheep. They may also have to
re-open the case of Kelly's neighbour Elsie Jennings, 82, who was taken into psychiatric care
after claiming a six-inch tall Rita Hayworth had attempted to bite through her jugular.
Significantly, during preliminary interviews with police Kelly said that he had been in
relationships with women before Miss Monroe but 'they didn't work out' and that he 'had to
give them their freedom.'
Questions will be asked in the House of Commons today about how sophisticated
bio-technology came to fall into the hands of a man described by his high-school science
teacher as 'a certifiable imbecile'. Frank Bateman, 56, who lost his eyebrows in a freak
explosion resulting from Kelly's attempt to follow a simple experiment to find the boiling
point of water, said last night, 'God help us all. Christ only knows how many more hideous
blood-sucking golems he has unleashed upon the world. The man is a moron.' 2010
BBC sold to Murdoch
Police give chase on dinosaurs