Albert Goldman is dead, alas

..I once had a very depressing dream. I was in a bookshop or library, and I picked up a book and saw it was a biography of me. I realized I must be in the future somehow (a Mephistophelean pact, like Max Beerbohm's Enoch Soames?). Eagerly, I turned to the index and looked up my own entry, which sounds like a remarkable feat of contortionism. Here is what I found, more or less:

Kelly, Michael Horatio:
..ambitious nature of, 84, 205
..bedsores of, 189, 206, 424
..biscuit-hoarding tendencies of, 98, 157, 203
..bunny-rabbit slippers of, 105, 198, 204-9
..clips toenails, 173, 305-6
..collects unusual pebbles, 72, 224, 390-1
..collects dole, 120-379
..collects old age pension, 380-425
..drinks tea, 97-98, 123-4, 158-60, 201, 272, 405
..early struggles with shoelaces, 20-63
..failure, his fear of, 151
..failure, grows accustomed to, 210
..flirts with drug scene, 192
..gets tongue stuck in cigarette rolling machine, 192
..Hobnobs, fondness for, 98, 154-9, 397
..hot baths, fondness for, 122, 158, 323
..inadvertantly takes cat to school in holdall, 86
..incident with scarf and bag of oranges on escalator
....of Wigan shopping centre, 345-7
..joins Tufty Club, 27
..kazoo, learns to play, 224
..kazoo, loses, 225
..lies in bed, 110, 123, 180-9, 206-214, 308-34, 405-425
..lies on couches, 117, 124, 158-60, 230, 278, 311-5
..lies to DSS officers, 125, 179, 312-18
..masturbates, 96, 98, 100-196, 198-201, 203-347, 349-425
..milkman, caught skipping round kitchen in underpants
....singing 'My Baby Has Gorn Down The Plughole' by, 211
..misplaces TV remote control, 237, 380
..navel fluff, morbid interest in, 157, 228, 310-12
..nearly has letter read out by Annie Nightingale, 140
..nearly meets Tosh off The Bill at village fete, 228
..nice cakes, fondness for 47, 123-4, 299-300
..On Perseverance (essay)(unfinished), 92
..postman, caught kissing newspaper picture of Carol Vorderman by, 220
..priest, caught erotically fondling grapefruits by, 235
..resigns from Tufty Club on point of principle, 28
..Sandy, his suggestion for name of new Blue Peter dog,
....mentioned in passing by Peter Purves, 43
..smiled at by attractive till girl in Morrison's, 242
..told not to forget shopping by attractive till girl in Morrison's, 243
..unusually frequent visits to Morrison's of, 243-291
..very large Morrison's security guard, prodded by, 292
..Vladivostok, unable to pursue till girl to, 293
..watches Australian soap operas, 124, 160-75, 187-9, 312
..window-cleaner, caught building artificial woman
....out of pillows and grapefruits by, 324
..years of decline, 141-425
..Zebras, morbid fear of, 37, 211, 419-25

..A dreary life indeed. But what's that about an incident on the escalator of Wigan shopping centre with a scarf and a bag of oranges? There's something to look forward to anyway.

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