Chinese junk

This is why the Chinese are going to take over the world. Look at this e-mail I just received:

Sent: Friday, October 16, 2009 9:42:44 AM

     Please forgive us to disturb your precious time.We are Hailong company.This is a electronic of the biggest international trading wholesalers in China.We mainly sell electrical products.
    We can offer the high quality and competitive price, and all the products come with international warranty. If you have time, please visit our website.

[something that might be a Buddhist good-luck symbol]

Thanks & Best Regards,

Ricky Sun

Hailong Co., Ltd.
W e b s i t
Address: Number 36,Renmin Road,huangpu District,Shanghai City

You see? Manners. Manners. 'Please forgive us to disturb your precious time.' And it was individually addressed, no mass mailing. It's a pleasure to be spammed by them. That's not even spam, it's unsolicited solicitousness. I wish I did need electrical products, so I could give them my custom. In fact if it wasn't for that lower-case 'hi', I think I would run out and smash my toaster.

I expect when they really get into their stride to one day receive something more or less like this:

Most Venerable and Illustrious,

I crave a thousand pardons for presuming to intrude my unworthy self on your magnificence. Worm that I am, I come humbly seeking your patronage for our commercial enterprise, a wretched thing hardly deserving of your attention which I will burn to the ground should it displease thee.

Far be it from me, who am the dust beneath your feet, to imply that one such as yourself is in need of penile enlargement. Your generative member is undoubtedly coiled, rippling and sinuous like a dragon, such that, in those rare moments when it sleeps, it may most conveniently be stowed by wearing it as a cummerbund. In the passages of delight, it speaks like a cannon, your seed flowing forth like the Yangtze river in full spate, making fertile all around it.

Nevertheless it may yet be that you have some use for our humble services. Perhaps one of your concubines has inadvertently bitten the last few inches off in a pardonable excess of enthusiasm. Or perhaps you have a fancy to make your organ even longer, that it could actually be used as a skipping-rope, to the delight of your many offspring and numberless grandchildren.

If this is the case, should you favour our lowly firm with your business, it would give us so much joy we would send out street-criers with gongs and firecrackers to proclaim the fact, and place full-page notices in all major newspapers. Should it fall to my part to perform the operation, I would never wash my hand afterwards.

The method is an ancient secret handed down from my hallowed ancestors (worthless slaves and dogs all compared with yours). The procedure is painless (for you) and involves the unneeded parts of condemned criminals.

For an extra fee we can also offer a feng-shui service, ensuring that the reconstructed organ will always point to the north-east to ward off demons.

I slither backwards on my belly from your presence,

Kok Fat

Wanglong Co. Ltd


October 19th 2009