1. WHAT TIME IS IT? The twilight era of late-stage capitalism
2. NAME ON BIRTH CERTIFICATE? Moonchild Equinox Bong (hippy parents)
3. NICKNAMES: Apollo (self-given nickname)
4. PARENTS NAMES: Rainbow and Merlin (see 2)
5. NUMBER OF CANDLES ON LAST BDAY CAKE: Bidet cake? Is that a soap thing?
6. HEIGHT: I'm never vertical long enough to measure
7. COLOR OF EYES: a dangerous blue
8. PIERCINGS: frequently, in the heart
9. TATTOOS: 'Hate' on knuckles of left hand. 'Ambivalence' on knuckles of right hand. 'This Way Up' on chest
10. HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE YOUR JOB? It's my favourite book in the Bible
11. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? In a crossfire hurricane
12. TWO-DOOR OR FOUR-DOOR? revolving door
13. FAVORITE QUOTE FROM A MOVIE: 'They BOUNCED out of the room!' Professor Moriarty, 'The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother'
14. FAVORITE SONG: The Dead March from 'Saul'
15. FAVORITE RESTAURANT: I only eat pain
16. FAVORITE TV SHOW: Canal Street Mardi Gras
17. FAVORITE FLOWER: giraffe
18. WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN 10 YEARS? Dead in the gutter. Or a nice little cottage in the country
19. LAST PERSON YOU RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM? Yasmine Bleeth's lawyers, warning me not to contact their client again
20. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE BORED? Fill in nob-end questionnaires like this
21. LIVING ARRANGEMENT? Grudgingly, from day to day
22. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Crime and Punishment (pop-up version)
23. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? YOUR MOTHER'S SEVERED HEAD. And a cup of tea and some Hobnobs
24. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Leveraged buy-out
25. FAVORITE SMELL? Despair - at least, I have grown accustomed to it
26. LEAST FAVORITE SMELL? Corruption
27. FAVORITE SOUNDS? Birdsong. Female laughter. (Apart from that one time). Orchestras tuning up. My dole cheque hitting the doormat.
28. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? Waking up next to a dead Girl Guide
29. WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? "Holy shit, where can I dump the body?"
30. FAVORITE COLOR? Hell-black
31. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? The phone never rings
32. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? Zippy the Spaceboy (?? may have misunderstood question)
33. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE? Money. Chocolate. Chocolate money
34. FAVORITE FOODS? Chocolate. Money. Chocolate and money sandwich
35. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? vanilla
36. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? Both
37. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? I stuff sleeping animals
38. STORMS - COOL OR SCARY? Electrical storms, cool. PMS storms, scary
39. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? Pedal
40. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE? That would be nice
41. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Fijian Turtle-Piss, a cocktail made from rum, vodka, and the arterial blood pumping out of YOUR MOTHER'S SEVERED HEAD. And lime juice
42. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN? If I knew that, I would have breasts
43. DO YOU EAT THE STEM OF BROCCOLI? How did you know about me and Cubby Broccoli?
44. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE? Gigolo
45. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR WHAT WOULD IT BE? Flesh-coloured, so people would think I was bald and had a spongey misshapen skull
46. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? Yes, and I have the restraining orders to prove it
47. IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? Half empty, with chewing gum at the bottom, and someone probably dipped his dick in it when I wasn't looking
48. FAVORITE MOVIES? I think that would have to be, 'Your Mother's Severed Head', a cautionary tale about a naive young woman who e-mails a stupid nob-end questionnaire to a busy misanthrope and is subsequently cut up into exceedingly small pieces with a rusty boat-hook. Oh, and 'Bambi'.
49. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? What kind of spastic wrote that question? No, I flail the keyboard randomly with my nob. Jesus.
50. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? A dead Girl Guide
51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? Square root of minus one
52. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? What's that thing in the middle of the night on cable where they blow up yaks with a bazooka and then elves dance around and then you have to throw a golfball into a hole in Henry Kissinger's head? Or did I dream that? It was ace anyway
53. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS
TO YOU:
They are 8000 miles away
54. PERSON YOU WILL SEND THIS TO WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO
RESPOND?
Yasser Arafat - he loves this stuff
55. PERSON YOU WILL SEND THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO
RESPOND?
Yasmine Bleeth
56. FAVORITE JOKE? Life