MKPoM: answers: porn

How can I stop my boss stopping me using porn?

This from Edward M., who wishes to remain anonymous but who works in a law firm in New York and whose surname is...no, I won't:

You are a traitor for answering Elisa's question about preventing her colleague accessing internet porn. You should be drummed out of the Onanists' International [see Guestbook.] My question is: how can I stop my boss giving me things to do when I'm busy downloading internet porn?

Sir, I just provide the information, I am not responsible for how it is used. I am equally as happy to answer your question as Elisa's. The key to your problem, actually, is in the first part of my response to her. You have to make people afraid to come into your office. Let them know in no uncertain terms that you are otherwise occupied and that if they enter they will witness things best left unseen. Grunt loudly, pant, moan and make uncouth gibbering noises like a rutting primate at all hours of the day. Only leave the office to grab Kleenex and margarine and make sure you are flushed and sweaty when you do. In the event that your superiors institute some sort of corporate-server-blocking-routine to stop you accessing porn sites, as soon as you realize what has happened you must bellow, 'NOOOOOOO! WHYYYYYY??' loud enough to shake windows three floors away. Then burst out of your office looking manic and deranged and run around snarling, 'I need to look at some ladies.' Barge into your boss's room and snatch the photographs of his wife and daughters from his desk, then return to your office with them with a big sigh of, 'Gooood.' Keep asserting yourself like this and eventually they will give you your porn back. Either that or sack you, but if they do you can argue it's a lifestyle choice - no, a religion - and it will make a really interesting court case.