TV 2004
Contains rude words

(Unfinished. Abandoned when I realised I'd have to actually watch television to complete it)


10.30 Help Me Tidy My House 11.30 Help Me Sell All The Junk In My House I wish you mercenary shitehawks would stop, you're giving my mother ideas. That crap is my childhood, you heartless trollop. And don't even think about selling up. I don't care how steep the stairs are. I'll buy you a camp-bed 1.00 Passchendaele Drive Ellen schemes to replace Ted as treasurer of the Suicide Cult 2.30 Detective Doctor (rpt.) A canny eye for villains, a manly white moustache for ladies of a certain age. With Dick Van Dyke, a Google search for whom is a good way to find porn 7.30 The National Lottery Show Moneyyyyy! Heeee! We get moneyyyy! Hurrrr! Moneyyyyy. Money is good. GOOOOOD. Hur hurrr. And me like the boings, hurrr. Me like to listen to ve BOINGY NOISES when ve balls come out, heeeee. 32, BOING!!! Hurrrrr. 27! BOING!!! Heeeee!!! Meanwhile Lord Reith spins in his fucking grave. 11.30 Late-Night Politics Who's more smug, Michael Portillo or Diane Abbott? And, why don't those two kids get long? There is a spark between them, or at least 'a dumb, dark, dull, bitter belly-tension' 12.00 Liquid News Special Profile of Madonna's Twat


9.00 Childrens and schools 12.00 Money Money Moneyyy It was worth watching telly again to resume my love affair with the big hefty Brummie one that presents this. Ooh, he loves his money 1.00 WIMBLEDON Except, shite, no, it's not now, is it, I missed it. I'm really not up for this 24-hour-infosphere topical-content provision. Where did the bloody summer go? Was Kournikova in this year? I only belatedly realised how fit she was last time and I feel like I've missed out. It was the mixed doubles that did it. Mixed doubles must be the sexiest thing on earth. If the team scores a point they touch hands to celebrate. So, like, if the bloke's done well he's allowed to touch the woman, but if they've lost the point he's not. Reward and punishment thing, very kinky, especially with these saucy Russian fillies. And I reckon they shag in the showers if they win a game. If they lose she forces him to lie face-down in a hamper of her sweaty socks, I imagine. But apart from that there's the whole very sexy thing of standing shoulder to shoulder with a bird fighting together for a common cause. Like my dreams of storming the European Parliament side by side with Joan Collins and pulling a Matrix on it. Joan wears shiny PVC and everything. I think about that a lot 1.30 A Canterbury Tale (Film, 1944) Bloody hell, something watchable. Last time this was on, though, they introduced it with 'A big line in wartime propaganda in our afternoon film now.' Not 'a masterpiece of cinema'. Not 'an intelligent flagwaver.' Not 'a celebration of Britain.' 'Wartime propaganda.' They really do take the unbiased thing too far sometimes. Anyway how is it bloody propaganda? The central character pours glue over women - a much maligned and misunderstood pastime, to be sure, but it's hardly bloody, you know 5.00 Triumph of the Will with Anne Robinson 7.30 Vote For Who Made The Best Invention 8.00 Vote For Which House Gets Knocked Down 8.30 Vote For Who Gets A Dialysis Machine 9.00 Vote for Who's a Crap Singer 9.30 Political Round-Up Ugh, time to turn over 10.00 Bastard Evil Cars And Testosterone Jeremy Clarkson I want your babies 10.00 Knackered Old Men 70s media brats pissing and moaning. Die, then, die, and stop hogging all the jobs and bagging off with young birds 10.30 Newsnight Round-up of the latest world beheadings 11.00 Late Review Germaine Greer and three misshapen pointy-heads deconstruct The Mister Men Movie 12.00 BBC4 on BBC2: Max Beerbohm Reconsidered A teasing taste of the place where they keep all the good programmes which (a) I am not allowed to watch and (b) apart from 2 elderly queer Oxbridge professors I am the only person who wants to watch. I bet they hog most of this Summer of Opera too


9.00 MORAG 'I frot my grandfather' 12.00 Help Me Buy That House! 1.00 Help Me Tart Up My House 2.00 Help Me Sell My House! 3.00 Oh No, The Property Market Has Crashed, Help Me Find A Cardboard Box Under The Embankment Serves you right, you rootless yuppie bastards 5.00 The '60s Policeman (Rpt) A cadet branch of the Manson family come to the village and crucify P.C. Jim 6.00 Regional News Simony, peculation, nipping, false claims of messiah-hood, the ongoing hunt for Napoleon's spies 7.00 WART SWAP 7.30 The Umbrellas of Chorlton Sid programs the Birdie Song as the ring-tone on his mobile; Dana recovers the Spear of Destiny and attains total comprehension of all levels of the universe 8.30 The Tourette's Chef Old people learn the hard way that the modern generation can't even make a fucking sandwich without calling someone a fucking cunt 9.00 THE VAULT The tension is mounting as Sam only has two days to train his team of leather vampire space-babes to crack Fort Knox before the Merovingians' brain-burrower reaches his cerebral cortex. No, not really, it's another bloody quiz show 10.00 THE BLOCK Which celeb will be next to face the headman's axe? No, not really, it's another bloody decorating show 11.00 Puking in the High Street And public flashing


9.00 CHEERS Which is good. They shouldn't be rude to Rebecca, though. I like when she's bossy to Sam. And when her heels tick-tock across the wooden floor. Er. I mean... 9.30 BIG BRUTHA When Hell is full the dead will walk the earth 10.00 ER (rpt) A busload of spastic schoolchildren drives off a cliff and goes on fire while they've all got elastic bands over their faces and have eaten dodgy kebabs; Weaver catches Ross humping a mouldy donut. My Mum used to think this was called 'M.W.', presumably standing for 'Memergency Woom', the dolt 11.00 Small Town Judge Carol presides over the case of a disputed litter of puppies and learns lessons in mellow resignation to an acoustic soundtrack 12.00 Small Town Lawyer Jon takes the case of two elderly sisters squabbling over their basket weaving business and learns lessons in resigned mellowness to an acoustic soundtrack 1.00 Small Town Bounty Hunter Max is asked to take the case of a missing hamster and has the dignity to blow his frigging brains out 3.00 Countdown Still there. Still gorgeous. Carol's not bad either 4.00 The Courtroom 'A man is charged with biting a chef'. Seriously. I just copied that one out of the paper. I don't even want to know. 5.00 Fucko Versus Fucko The terrible twosome quiz Stephen Hawking about his sex life 6.00 BIG BRUTHA Mongoloids have taken over my country 7.00 NEWS News. News. News. Has a kind of. Has a kind of. Mystery. I speak of turning to The Book I speak of turning to The Book I speak of turning to The Booook, Booooook 8.00 BIG BRUTHA 60 years from D-Day to this 8.30 A PLACE IN THE SUN With Amanda Lamb, who is a lovely lovely pretty. 'A desirable property.' You're a desirable property, miss. 'Sunny coastal resort.' You're a sunny coastal resort, miss. 'Vital you get a surveyors' report.' Um. I'd like to...get a surveyor's report on you, miss 9.30 QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY The gays get the guys to wear studded-rubber gimp costumes and get their arseholes pierced 10.00 BIG BRUTHA Spengler was right 11.30 Mind Control with Derren Brown (rpt) Which is gooood. Although of course he may have mind-controlled everyone to think that. Maybe he just sits there for half an hour trimming his nails 12.00 FULL-ON PROLE-FUCKING IN THE BIG BRUTHA HOUSE, WHY AYE 12.30 Family of Porn-Stars More mindless pap for the masses from the really fucking radical channel. Meanwhile there's a Patrice Leconte film on Film Four but I can't afford to watch it. When I come to power I will flay you all; for now, know you are despised


10.00 TELL IT LIKE IT IS 1.00 Whitley Bay A dead walrus washes up on the beach. Lupi goes through Tim's pockets in search of the cursed doubloons and finds a fan-letter to Bagpuss 2.30 CHARLIE'S ANGELS Which is good. Angels' charlies, more like. 3.30 My Heart Has Four Chambers (TVM,1997) Moving story of a multiple bigamist 6.00 Cobbers' Cove Jim's koala has a sinister secret 6.30 Whitley Bay Lorcan reveals he was his own father. Nelly can't stop hiding mushy peas down her bra 7.00 THE WORLD'S MOST EXTREME DISASTERS The terrible story of how a passenger flight crashed into a cyanide factory during an earthquake followed by a Michael Jackson concert and a rain of frogs and blah blah 8.00 At Home With the Etruscans Please don't take our license away, look, look, we can make programmes you don't necessarily have to masturbate over 9.00 G-String Bitches on Heat 10.00 GRIM AS FUCK The Detroit forensic science team piece together the story of a lapdancer who was cut into 100 pieces, chewed a couple of times, spat out again, and turned into a mural 11.00 GRIM AS FUCK Putziwitz proposes to La Fox while scraping a whore's kidneys out of a Kenwood blender 12.00 Alias, Hooray Syd dresses as a sexy nun to sneak into the Vatican and recover a nuclear device built by Rambaldi in the 14th century, and just as she grabs it the Pope will come in and hit her with a jujitsu move, and then her sexy mum comes in and it turns out she's been the Pope's mistress for years, only he's not the Pope he's a bionic Serbian intelligence officer who replaced the Pope years ago, and then there'll be a car chase and machine guns and stuff, and that's like the first ten minutes. Bound to get cancelled because I like it. And the music's cool too, it's like Bow, ba-Dow Bow Bow, Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo 1.00 - 4.30 Canadian League Hopscotch The play-offs from Ottawa

(July '04)