1) First off, can you explain what's going on in that picture you supplied?

I am preparing to wrap a picture of Roy Orbison in clingfilm and my terrapin Jetta is seeking to prevent me out of sheer jealousy. My neighbour Mrs Schneemann is taking the picture. She has missed my head because she has a hereditary condition, I do not know the English name, which means she cannot raise her arms above her shoulders. Her grandfather had the same debility and so was shot by the Nazis for disloyalty. At school she was shamed for her lack of zeal because she was never able to put her hand up to answer questions or volunteer for anything. It has coloured her whole life, poor woman. She cannot reach the top shelves in supermarkets and so certain products are effectively unknown to her. The first time I gave her Shredded Wheat at my house she wept and was silent like Cortez on a peak in Darien. Shredded Wheat is always kept on the top shelves in Germany for safety because young and inexperienced persons may confuse it with scouring pads or bath loofahs. She thought she would not find a husband because of it but fortunately she found a man who was short and so she did not have to raise her hands to put them around his neck. And he did not care for Shredded Wheat so never rebuked her for her inability to provide it. There is a moral here somewhere. So you see she could not raise the camera to her face and had to guess where I was.

I am not sure what else to say. You can see a bit of my carpet. I had just hoovered it. Outside it was spring and I had just also hoovered the pollen from my driveway. In the background you can see various chests of drawers of my ownership. I have twice been complimented on their neatness. They are some of my reserve clingfilm drawers as it happens. That is all really. As a writer I am trained to see more than other people but I am unable to say anything else about this picture. To tell the truth I find it difficult to look away from the middle of it where Roy Orbison is juxtaposed with clingfilm.

2) Jetta, obviously named after that famous VW ... German car's, eh.

Several anglos have assumed this but in fact Jetta is a quite legal girl's name in Germany. It is no more surprising than if you met someone called Mercedes or Morris or Lancia. At school I knew an Otto Mobil.

3) UHNOROICF becomes a movie, what does it say on the posters?

Oh, I should imagine roughly something along the lines of:

Attention passersby! If you are looking for a diverting film experience you should consider entering this cinema to watch:

The Roy Orbison in Clingfilm Film

based on the powerful book by Ulrich Haarburste

Directed by Werner Herzog, or Andrei Tarkovsky, or whoever

And then of course in smaller print the standard boilerplate:

'Patrons enter at their own risk. No liability can be incurred by the management if you attempt to move about a darkened auditorium without the aid of an usherette. Persons with unusually large heads are forbidden and must wait for the video. No heavy petting on the back row.' And so on.

Then at the bottom in an eye-catching colour some catchy tag-line such as 'A pleasurable time seems probable.' It is vulgar hucksterism but a certain amount of that is unavoidable.

4) And, in a West End musical, who plays Roy?


5) Okay, now why Big O ... and not, say, Frank Sinatra or The King?

I do not know how to answer that question. Why go for a walk in the sunshine and not, say, drink toilet water? The thought of wrapping Sinatra in clingfilm is so horrible it makes my palms sweat. I would not wish to say anything offensive about your king but he has been dead and decomposing since 1953. Not even clingfilm can do anything for him now. You are a strange man.

6) Tell us about your literary influences / favourite kitchen products ...

Oh, all the greats, Tolstoy, Proust, Chekhov, Goethe and so forth. I am not ashamed to acknowledge them as fathers. If they did not reach my heights it is because they did not live to see my inspirations.

As to the second part of your question, I think you can guess. Scouring pads! No, I was joking. The real answer is clingfilm. Wait, I see that you say products, plural, so I am expected to name two. Scouring pads second, then. Although I technically do not regard scouring pads as a kitchen product. There is no room to keep them in my kitchen because it is filled with another product so I keep them in the bathroom.

7) I suspect Ulrich is a nom de plume ... can you comment?

I am confused. You think Ulrich is the name of a pen? This is like the Jetta confusion again. Perhaps in England but here pens are called things like Bic and Staedtler. At school I knew a Rhett Tractable.


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