The nunnies is singing and dancing and that:
Sisters
Sisters
Did you ever see such a bunch of sisters?
God help the mister
Who comes between me and my sisters
'Cos Sisters are doing it for themselves, whoo!
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
[Mother superior is jump over old cannon. Is game they play pass the time without jig-a-jig, or indeed WEETABIX - they is only eat chipboard and milk
The JUDITH: Woe is! [Is do the big sigh
MO SUPERIOR: You not join in our nunny song and dance novice the Judith? I let you jump over gun, is big fun
The JUDITH: I is too sad. I is not cut out for nunny life. [Is rub the cannon all wistful-like] I miss... certain things
Mo SUPERIOR: Oh my child, we all miss... certain things
[Is slyly go to cupboard and examine secret picture of WEETABIX. Is sigh in remembrance & then sternly hammer spiny sea-creatures up own nostrils by way of penance
Mo Superior: The ouch. [somewhat nasal:] My child, when you is temptred, there is always the book
The JUDITH: [with sigh] I suppose. Pass him here.
The Mo' Superior it is pass Rolf Harris Book of Songs for Stylophone
MO-SUP: We is must get a bigger library one day isn't it.
My child, I know unto what thy be going through. I was not always a nunner, you know. [Is caress the cannon all thoughtful-like] I was once... a womans of the world like ye, and went about with... a man
The JUDITH: [listless, wrapped up in book}: Oh aye? What became?
MotherSuper'r: We... had a disagreement...
[Is lights is dim, chorus of nuns is sitting & swaying & softly go 'Whooo, whoo, whoo' & eerie spotlight is fall on Ma Superior - she is take off wimple - is come in the Flashback...
Young MOTHER SUPERIOR:
(it sing
I'm
Mad about
Men
Can't
Do without
Them
Short ones and tall, I've loved them all,
Since the age of ten...
Is come in him lover, the Young & Virile DAGOBERT
The DAGOBERT: Mine heart!
Young SUPERIOR: Mine!
[Is embrace and kissy and that
DAGOBERTY: Oh my hot young wenchy, wilt marry?
Y>M>SUP: Can do
DAGOBERT: Aces. [All thoughtful like] But is big decisions. Can I trust ye?
Young wotsit: With all mine heart!
DAGOBERTY: Wouldst do anything for me?
The as above: Anything!
DAGOBERT [with slyboots]: Then would you... give me your last WEETABIX?
The Young Nunmeister: [is fall to knees] No, no, I besmirch thee, not that!
DAGOBERT: Then end, ambition! You not love! [Is make to go} Well... I go, sob sob
Young Thing: Wait! Not go! I give him! [Is take last WEETABIX from chain around its neck] Here, my heart, you take him, for I trust ye with to the ends of the earth, and I love you more than it
The DAGOBERT: Ta, chuck. WEETABIX, mmm! [is swallow the WEETABIX and do the burp
YoungNunny: YOU BIG FAT GUTSY BASTARD
[Is grabbing the fuck-off big sword and split he from top to bottom & rummage in gullet for Weetabix yelling 'Give him back, give him back!']
Is end Flashback
The FULL-GROWN MOTHER SUPERIOR: He... made me choose between him and my career, the brute. [Is come over guilty at lie and hammer spiky sea-creatures into ears as penance
Is come in The MESSENGER-NUN:
(it say) Oh Mother Superior! Is fallen women is come in seeking sanctuary from the wrath of The King?
THE MOTHER S.: The pardon? Did you say Ving Rhames is here to sell us aardvarks?
MESS.NGR. N'N: Um, no
MOTHER SU: Forgive, I did not quite catch him, I have sea-creatures in my ears
ENTER:
[is come in the SARAH with JIM the Baptist head!
The nunnies (all):
EEK, a man!
[Is gather up skirts and jump onto table shrieking
The SARAH: But Is harmless head!
THE MA S (all virtuous like): A mans, Is never harmless
The HEAD of the JIM the B: Too true, dollface (is lick him Sarah lady-booby) Woof!
The SARAH (all reproving like): Not here, James, and not at all until we have solemnized our union in IKEA
THE MOTH. SUP: What bring to here?
The SARAH: Woe is! Is woe! All is strife and turbot! A mighty army of LOCUSTS have devoured the ziggurat of WEETABIX and him king have put price on head of JIM THE BAPTIST and all who have defied he
The JIM the BAPTIST: LOCUSTS, mmm!
[Is violent bang on door
MESSENGER NUNNY:
Is The PRIEST is here at head of mighty army!
THE Mother SUPER: Indeed? But why should an actor of his accomplishments be reduced to peddling aardvarks?
(Messenger nunny is take Rolf Harris stylophone book and violently beat MoSup on head with try make him sea-creatures is come out ears
Is come in the Priest!
NUNS (one and all, is jump on table clutching boobies): Eeek, a mans!
The PRIEST: Relax, I is harmless priesty. Nice tits.
MOTH. SUP: (is swat and blush) Oh get away wid ye father. What do for you?
The PRIEST; You will hand over the SARAH and the JUDITH and any parts of Jim the Baptist you may be harbouring or you will all be put to the sword isn't it
The MOTHER SUPERIOR: And if I refuse?
The PRIEST (him smile thinly, all suave and sinister-like): M'dear woman, do not force me threaten; let us just say, YOU WILL ALL BE PUT TO THE SWORD, deaf-lugs
The MOTHER SUPERIOR: And if I agree?
The PRIEST: You will all be taken out for cake and ice-cream. With LOCUSTS grated on top
The NUNS: (all) Hooray! Ice-cream! LOCUSTS! etc
The MOTHER SUPERIOR: And if I palter indefinitely and say I get back to you?
The PRIEST (him improvise): Um, something midway, you will be taken out for shit on toast, I expect
The MOTHER SUP (him moral dilemma): Decision, decisions. (Him turn to The Book for guidance): 'Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport'... Hmm, what teach we here?...
The JUDITH & The SARAH: Oh spare us, spare us, we besmirch thee!
The MOTHER SUPERIOR: (with pious, is decide): I am sorry, my childs, I think Our Lord Baal would want me to do what is best for my order and the ice-cream industry
The PRIEST: Immenso! I death them with SCORPIONS! (is call without): Ho, Mighty Army Captain, come get prisoners
[Is crawl in bloody torso of mighty army Captain, him have axe through head and legs is chopped off!
SOLDIER: The aaargh. For shame!
(Nunnies: Eek, etc, a man with no trousers on, etc
The PRIEST: Stout fellow, round the varmints up. (him see) : Eek!
Is violently pounding on door
THE NUNNY MESSENGER (somewhat bent and depleted):
Is come in a mighty army of VIKINGS!
All: The Oh no! VIKINGS!
The Ma SUPERIOR: Not today, thankyou, while I admire his work I simply do not need any aardvarks