First, we need a little information about you for our files.
What's your name?
What's your e-mail address?
Was that your REAL name and e-mail address?
1. Who killed JFK?
Oswald acting alone
A conspiracy of Cuban emigres, rogue CIA elements and P2 masons
That Zapruder man - a camera would be a good place to conceal a weapon
Who cares? He killed Marilyn
Only a fool imagines JFK is dead
2. What's the story with Roswell?
Imaginative hicks creating a tourist industry
Cover-up of aliens crash-landing
The military testing pioneering stealth technology
I haven't been watching it - not as good as
We the people
My wife, as far as I'm concerned
4. What do They aim to do with their power?
Just keep things pottering along pretty much as they have been
Turn the world into a prison
Implant microchips in our heads
Implant alien embryos in our bodies
Persecute ME personally and put their thoughts in my mind
Make us worship Satan/Cthulhu
Use it to get the best tables in restaurants and tickets to hit shows
Make me redecorate the bathroom, take the garbage out and be nice to her mother
5. Is your social security number
A necessary means to an efficient social welfare net?
An unwarrantable intrusion of government into private life?
The fulfillment of that bit in the Book of Revelations about the Mark of the Beast?
The alien equivalent of a 'Best Consumed Before' date?
6. Is fluoridated water
Good on health grounds?
Bad on health grounds?
A Communist conspiracy to sap our moral and physical strength?
The alien equivalent of artificial flavouring?
7. What is your opinion on crop circles?
Just something they do to pass the time in places without bars and nightclubs
Messages from a sinister alien intelligence that communicates by mathematical abstractions
Make pretty album covers for bands like R.E.M.
The military testing a stealth combine harvester
8. What is your opinion on cattle mutilations?
Something else they do to pass the time in places without bars and nightclubs
Messages from a sinister alien intelligence that communicates by being mean to cows
Make pretty album covers for bands like Megadeth
The military testing a stealth combine harvester that got a bit out of control
9. Who controls what gets into the newspapers and TV?
Left-wing media liberals
A little-known organization called Bureau X, which has outposts on seven continents
and the tenth planet of the solar system
10. What is your opinion of Bill Gates?
Geek-boy made good
A hero of free enterprise, and rock n' roll and urgent sweaty sex personified
Megalomaniac wannabe Bond-villain who sells your private surfing information to the government
Actually a hairless alien freak from an advanced civilization who is running a high-tech patents scam like
David Bowie in 'The Man Who Fell To Earth' in order to buy up all Earth's water for his dying
11. While watching an episode of 'The X-Files', you are most likely to think:
It's a shame those two don't get long
Why do I watch this crap?
Why does my geeky boyfriend make me watch this crap?
At last, a programme that tells it like it is
They look Jewish. Everyone in TV is Jewish
I was the one who had the idea for this show, but the
producers stole it from my brain while I slept. I must never sleep again
12. What was your reaction to the film 'The Matrix'?
Keanu/the ass-kicking babe is hot
I just know that at the end of the film my geeky boyfriend is going to say, 'Hey! What if we
really ARE in a Matrix?'
At last, a film that tells it like it is
I bet Keanu is Jewish. Everyone in movies is Jewish
13. Who built the pyramids?
The kind of work-proud contractors you just can't find these days
Who cares? They're made of polystyrene anyway
14. Who wrote the plays of Shakespeare?
Wilhelmina Shakespeare, a female victim of a white male conspiracy
They will be written by a time-traveller
JACK THE RIPPER
15. Who was Jack the Ripper and why did he kill?
An anonymous gentleman, probably a surgeon, warped by the repressed sexuality of the era
An alien, to feed on psychic energy
A member of the Royal Family, possibly the Prince of Wales, to feed on psychic energy, because the British royal family are
all aliens (look at Charles' ears
for God's sake)
THE GULF WAR
16. Was the Gulf War:
A necessary intervention to uphold democracy and safeguard strategic interests?
A neo-colonialist outrage by the capitalist conspiracy in which the lives of the proletariat were sacrificed to defend oil profits?
Shot in the same studios where they faked the Moon Landing and the Holocaust?
A Norwegian inlet
An invisible hypnotic command word used by our secret rulers to provoke instinctive unease
What is a what? I didn't see anything. It just said, 'What is a ' and then nothing. There's
a bit missing. I feel uneasy.
18. What's wrong with the following passage?
'I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all.
Thousands of little kids, and YOU nobody's around - nobody big, I mean - except me. And I'm
standing on MUST the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody
if they start KILL to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where
they're going I have JOHN to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do
all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's LENNON crazy, but that's the
only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.'
It's full of adolescent self-pity
You didn't ask J.D. Salinger for permission to quote it
I can't obey it as Lennon is already dead
Welcome her in, hug her, fix her a drink, etc?
Ask her if she's alone?
Get your alleged 'mother' in a headlock, stick a gun in her mouth
and threaten to blow her head off unless she recites her maiden name
and birthdate backwards in the next ten seconds?
Blow her head off on general principles - your real mother knows
better than to visit without giving the pre-arranged code signal?
Chloroform her and trepan her skull to search for alien implants?
20. You're at a party and an attractive member of the opposite sex asks you for
your phone number. Do you:
Give it to them?
Give them a false one?
Punch them in the face, leave the party quickly, change taxis twice on the way home,
burn your house down and move to another country?
Go along with it in the hope they'll have sex with you, then blow their head off
before they can betray you?
Get them blind drunk and trepan their skull to search for alien implants?
No, but I'm careful only to voice bland, happy sentiments when near it
Only a fool imagines toasters aren't sentient lifeforms
22. Take a long, close look at your socks. How sure are you that they're
the exact same pair you put on this morning and that no-one's replaced
them with a different but similar pair at some point?
Not at all sure, now that you mention it
I'm alarmed that you know I'm wearing socks
I'm not wearing socks as they're a government plot to stifle your chakras or something
[Note to editors: I've assigned numerical values to the various responses but have no idea how to make them
add up using HTML]
YOUR CONSPIRACY THEORY RECEPTIVITY RATING:
-0 - 35 LOW
35 - 70 MIDDLING
Over 70 HIGH
HOW YOU RATE:
LOW - A bit complacent, aren't you? All is for the best in the best of all possible worlds,
hmm? What you don't know can't hurt you. Ignorance is bliss. It won't save you. People like you
will be the first against the wall when it all goes down.
MIDDLING - More savvy. Your eyes are open to the nature of the beast, but you like to weigh
up all the evidence rather than making rash uninformed pronouncements. It still won't save you.
HIGH - You are a lunatic. Unfortunately, you are right. Just because you're paranoid doesn't
mean they're not after you. Speaking of which, our government controllers tracked your terminal
some time ago. Expect a call from men in black.