WHAT ARE WOMEN LOOKING FOR IN A MAN?
..The first step in being seductive is
to be what women want you to be.
..A survey of half a dozen women I just
asked reveals that they are looking for the following qualities in
- Good looks
- A big nob
- The ability to make a nice cup of tea (thankyou for the
- Nice clothes
- Won't hump a sex doll and make me watch (Miss Pinkerton from
down the road. She has a bad history with men.)
- Suaveness, savoire faire
- A vast libido
- Being sensitive, pressing flowers, wearing bunny rabbit slippers
(thanks again, Gran)
- Courtesy, good manners
- Doesn't bugger geese on the living room carpet, right after I've
hoovered (Miss Pinkerton again)
- Matching socks
- Matching eyebrows and, where possible, nostrils ("This may seem
shallow but I have learned from experience." Miss P.)
- Brylcreem, and a roguish twinkle in the eye (dear old Gran!)
- Buns like cobblestones and cojones like avocados (Gran??)
- Doesn't bring sailors home and let them wear my dresses (picky,
picky, Miss P.)
- Knows his way around a dancefloor (Gran)
- Knows his way around a vagina (Vera Lynn never talks like that,
you foul old harpy)
- Won't take me to Tangiers and sell me to nomadic tribesmen for
two camels, the cigarettes I mean (enough already, Miss Pinkerton,
you're obviously not prepared to work at a relationship)
- An air of danger, wildness and unpredictability, and no fear of
..Obviously, it would be impossible for a
man to embody all these traits at once. Equally clearly, just
possessing one of them isn't enough. Matching socks alone, for
example, won't make it. (However they do seem to be important.
Several of the girls I spoke to were at pains to emphasize this point
and perhaps it is where I have been going wrong in the past.) A broad
specialization is the key. Analyzing the above requirements, I find
they fall into five main categories:
- BEING HANDSOME
- BEING SENSITIVE
- BEING WILD AND DANGEROUS
- BEING RICH
- BEING BEEFCAKE
..Favourite would be to embody all five
of these, but just being one or two of them might be enough if you
use aftershave as well. Let us examine each in turn and see how we
as men or lesbians can aspire to that condition.
..If you feel that you are not very handsome,
remember it is a well-known fact that beauty comes from within. 'Handsome
is as handsome does,' as my Gran points out, 'but a huge cock is a
joy forever.' If you believe you are handsome then you will
be, providing, of course, you can get other people to believe it too.
Try and impress it on them by suggestion. Whenever you meet women at
social gatherings, or indeed any other situation, funerals, job
interviews, etc., say something like, "My name is Neil Armstrong (or
whatever your name happens to be). I am very handsome, you know."
Say it over and over, about being handsome, that is, not about
being Neil Armstrong, unless you are. Try saying it in a low
hypnotic murmur with a roguish smile. Twiddle your moustache if you
have one, although not your top lip if you don't. (Speaking of
hypnosis, that may be a way to go. I must get a book out.) Telling
women you are handsome may work better when there are no other people
around to compare you with, so try to do it in situations where you
are isolated together, lifts, phone boxes, deserted multi-storey
car parks, when trapped together in deep caverns on potholing
expeditions, etc. Oh, and you can say you're Neil Armstrong
if you want. I bet he gets plenty.
..The fact is that everyone has some
points of beauty. It is up to you to emphasize and draw attention
to your particular best features. If you have a handsome nose,
caress the end of it a lot or stroke your top lip in such a way as
to point to it. If your knees are a thing of beauty, wear short
pants and lie around on chaise-longues drumming your fingers on
them smiling knowingly. If you have a well-shaped skull, shave
your head, plane it with a sander and polish it to a high sheen.
And so on for other parts of the body. You can work the rest out
for yourselves, for Christ's sake.
..And hide your defects. Pulled-up
scarves and pulled-down hats may be useful in this regard, or
bits of gauze and masking tape for the really bad bits. Swathe
your entire head in bandages if you really feel uncomfortable
with your looks. Women love mystery.
..Smell flowers a lot. Cry when you see
tramps or ugly buildings. Cry when you hurt yourself. Don't do
spastic impressions or light your farts when you've had a few.
If the girl you fancy seems subdued or moody, ask her in a
sensitive voice if she's on her period. If she is, get the
attention of everyone else you're with, tell them the problem and
ask them to talk quietly and be gentle towards her. Be very
sympathetic and attentive, and perhaps even pretend to have
sympathetic cramps yourself.
..Recite poetry. Wear a big pink blouse
and skip around. None of it will do you a blind bit of good. What
will probably happen is that you'll become friends with her and
have to listen to her telling you how the ape-man she was with
last night fucked her five times without even putting his pint down.
..It is a well-established fact I just
thought of that women prefer big horrible yobs, bully boys with
quiffs and leather jackets, to sensitive nice types like me. At
least, I think that must be the reason I never get any, leaving
aside the sock thing. Consider: who scores more often, Saddam
Hussein or the Dalai Lama? The Dalai Lama gets some about once a
year if he's lucky, usually on his birthday when his mates have
set up with a really easy shag.
..In fact, it is a truism that women
will only credit as being sensitive men who aren't sensitive at all.
Genghis Khan, for example, was probably described as being
'overemotional and misunderstood' by some silly cow or other.
Stalin's girlfriend described him as being 'just like a bunny rabbit
underneath it all.' Pol Pot's bird said he was 'all mixed up and
confused and hurting inside, like James Dean.' And a man worse than
all of these put together, Jason Bulstrode, an overglanded
rugby-playing baboon who pulled the head off my Sindy doll in
Junior Two, won the hand in marriage of Mandy Frodsham, the
sweetest most angelic girl in the world, after I had spent six
months sensitively discussing Sylvia Plath with her with not so
much as a sniff of tit to show for it.
..The story has a happy ending, though,
because just recently Jason was in a car crash and was paralyzed
from the neck down, and now Mandy must raise his four fat,
semi-mongoloid children on her own. Won't make that mistake again,
eh, Mandy? Who's sorry now, eh? Eh?
..But I digress.
BEING WILD AND DANGEROUS
..The problem with doing wild and
dangerous things such as, say, driving your car fast, is that you
might end up like Jason Bulstrode, ha ha ha ha ha. However, having
an air of wildness and danger is largely a matter of appearances.
..A lad I was at university with, Grant
Mackerby, gained an enviable reputation as wild man on campus
largely by virtue of finding a good coiffeur who made his hair
look permanently tousled and windswept. By intensive study of old
Douglas Fairbanks Jr films he had also mastered a devil-may-care
laugh and buccaneering grin. He was also very loud and distressingly
energetic and fidgety. He would come barreling into the student union
like a Spitfire pilot returning from a dogfight, slam a motorcycle
helmet down on a table with a careless remark about just having
nearly had a prang (he owned a two-stroke moped) and then proceed
to tell lots of loud and inventive lies about fighting, hitch-hiking
and roof-tiling while he roistered and quaffed (somehow one always
thought of words like that in connection with him). At parties he
would ostentatiously swallow huge fistfuls of pills, all vitamin
tablets and similar harmless compounds. This managed to impress a
surprising number of dimwitted but presentable females, all
despite the fact that in reality he was such a neurotically
cautious wretch he had made me scrub the house wok out three times
after I vomited into it. So one night at a party some of us switched
his fake drugs for Ecstasy and laxatives, and he wound up
ecstatically dancing in a pile of his own poo, and that was the
end of him.
..But there is much we can learn from old
..If you are not in fact rich there is
not much you can do to pretend. Unless...perhaps if you told a
girl that you wanted to take her on a date to a mystery location,
and asked her to wear a blindfold...and if you could then somehow
arrange for the blindfold to become accidentally stuck to her head,
with superglue or a well-placed tack or something, so she was
forced to wear it all night...then, perhaps, with the help of a few
sound effects, you could make her believe you were taking her on a
jet to a sumptuous party at the Eiffel Tower or something, when in
fact she would just be in your bedroom...And if you could then
pretend that terrorists had hijacked the function and were forcing
all the guests to take their clothes off and have sex with each other...
and if the girl was a trusting sort who had been kicked in the head
by livestock at a formative age...And if you could make sure your
Mum didn't come in with a cup of tea...Hmm. Well, it needs
working on, and taking advantage of the mentally impaired deserves a
monograph to itself.
..Bear in mind, though, that there's a
certain type of rich girl who's turned on by uncouth and impecunious
working-class men. I'm not sure how you would go about meeting them.
Perhaps if you hung around Roedean School or Sloane Square scratching
yourself and going, "Ooh, fuck I'm skint, the arse is hanging out of
me jeans, Christ I'm a lowlife, anyone fancy a jump?" Or something.
..This one is easy. Judicious use of
padding can turn anyone into a hunk. Thick vests and undershirts are
important, but don't neglect greengroceries. Oranges make excellent
biceps and a well-placed banana or two can dramatically improve the
line of your crotch.
..Of course, an alert girl will
probably spot the deception if you get her into bed, but by then
it'll be too late. I think there's a rule that if you manage to
trick a woman into going to bed with you, she's not allowed to
change her mind once she sees what you look like without your
clothes on. I think the rule is once she's completely lying on the
bed with one arm flung back behind her head she's yours and she
can't back out, but as long as she keeps one foot on the floor she's
barley. So remember, chaps, no undressing until she's got both those
..If you've tried all of the above and still
can't get a woman to go out with you, you might want to try one of
the following tricks as a last resort.
PRETENDING TO BE A PRIEST
..Women often fantasize about seducing a
Catholic priest. Well, I had a fantasy about seducing a Nun and
being so good at sex and nibbling her ear like a Frenchman and so
on that she would say, "You are my God now, Mike." And
getting a grip of a priest is probably a woman's equivalent of that.
..Dress up as a priest and go round to a
woman's house and say something like, "Can I come in and talk about
God? You'd better not try and seduce me, though, what with me being a
priest. A woman would have to be really fit to go to hell for. Oh yes,
we priests don't put out for just anyone, you know." Then casually
hum the Thorn Birds theme and wait for her to rip your clothes
PRETENDING TO BE GAY
The lure of the unattainable combined with their superior dress sense and
bodybuilding skills makes gays irresistible to females. John Inman is
constantly being raped by women.
PRETENDING TO BE A GYNAECOLOGIST
Put on a white coat and go round door to door offering to give free
gynaecological examinations. Pretend to have forgotten your
instruments. Offer to use your willy instead.
SOME DATING TIPS
You have managed to get a girl to go on a date with you by pretending
to be handsome, muscular, etc. What now?
Well, bear in mind that if you take her to dinner or the cinema or
something and pay for it, she has to go to bed with you. If you split
the bill but you pay for the drinks, you're entitled to a grope at
If at the end of the night you drop her off at her place and she
invites you in for a coffee, don't whatever you do say, "No, thanks,
it'll keep me awake all night." The coffee is unimportant, what she
is really inviting you in for is Lurve. But it's bad form to act
aware of this. Even if you really don't want a coffee and are
confident of your chances, don't say anything like, "I don't want
coffee, but I'll come in for sex."
..Once inside, the ritual of making coffee
can be used to make subtle innuendo,e.g.:
..SHE: "How do you like it?"
..YOU (knowingly): "I like it well-ground...hot...wet...with lots and lots of cream."
..(It is enough to say this with a knowing
twinkle in your eye. Don't go, "Eh? Eh? Know what I mean?", nudge her
and wink like Sid James.)
..Coffee preferences can be used to
indicate sexual preferences, e.g.:
.."Cappuccino" = Blow-job
.."Brown sugar" = up the Gary Glitter
.."with a wee tot" = paedophilia
If, on the other hand, you wind up at your place at the end of the
evening, the rules of propriety must still be observed when inviting
her in. In years gone by, the man would ask the woman if she would
like to come in to look at his etchings. This is now a laughable
cliche, but acceptable substitutes must still be found to give the
woman a respectable reason to come in. Etiquette forbids simply
saying, "Would you like to come in to look at my nob?" Likewise,
you can say, "Would you like to come in to look at my bedroom
ceiling?" only if your bedroom ceiling is of genuine historical or
SOME ARTY BRIC-A-BRAC WOMEN MIGHT BE IMPRESSED WITH AND MIGHT
LIKE TO COME IN TO SEE:
- Oil paintings
- Ming vases
- Rare books, films, LPs etc.
- Interesting pots or rugs or something
THINGS WOMEN WILL BE LESS LIKELY TO BE IMPRESSED WITH AND LESS
LIKELY TO WANT TO COME INTO SEE:
..Once the bird is safely inside, seal the
seduction with some sexy music. Barry White, Marvin Gaye, Donna Summer,
etc., are recommended. Not recommended are: 'Shaddapaya Face' by Joe
Dolce, 'The Trail of the Lonesome Pine' by Laurel and Hardy, and most
TV theme tunes, particularly The Bill, Doctor Who, and Captain
Scarlet. The 'Thunderbirds' theme tune can occasionally be
acceptable while pulling out a wall-bed, performing a strip-tease, or
assembling a mechanical sex-toy. Stirring sporting theme tunes such
as for motor racing or ski programmes can be used if you can provide
really athletic sex to live up to the billing. Strangely, the
original 'Grange Hill' theme tune blows knickers off at fifty paces.
- Your nob
- A potato that looks like your nob
- The mould at the bottom of your fridge
- A full album of 'Panini' football or dinosaur stickers
- Rare Pamela Anderson pictures
- A patch of damp on your bedroom ceiling that looks like Dickie
Davies if you look at it from a certain angle (strange, but they
never go for it)
..You can employ the 'I'll just slip into
something more comfortable' ruse only if what you slip into is
genuinely more comfortable. Bondage outfits or studded leather
hipster underpants are generally not.
I am no expert at foreplay. I am, however, a master at stroking
cats into a state of ecstasy, and a woman shouldn't be too
different. If your bird is anything like my cat, the following
manouevres are guaranteed to get her really frothed up:
- Run your hand along her spine
- Scratch her ears
- Tickle her under her chin
- Push her on her back, take hold of her feet and move her legs up
and down like levers
- Poke her repeatedly in the belly with one finger while going, "You
love it, don't you, you big fat furry fucker," (or some more
I have been unable to find out anything about this. I was game, but the
cat took off in a hurry.
WHEN IS THE RIGHT TIME TO PUT ON A CONDOM?
You should put on a condom as soon as you're certain that full sex
is going to take place. Not, however, while you're still in the
restaurant, in the taxi, etc., or while she's out in the kitchen