ONE 9.00 DUDLEY Can Silverfish Be Pets? 10.00 HEARTBREAK HOSPITAL Dominic's verruca explodes and Blodwen has a nasty surprise in the linen cupboard 11.00 MAY WE SNEER AT YOUR GARDEN? Making snail-runs, and why nettles are the new daffodils 11.30 MAY WE DEMOLISH YOUR FRONT ROOM? 12.00 NAME THAT TREE Gardening gameshow 1.00 NEWS AND WEATHER 1.30 PASSCHENDAELE DRIVE Wibbly gets some feeling back in his nose 2.00 MURDER, MY HANDSOME? Another case for St. Ives detective Jack Warleggan (Dave Prowse) as a savage beheading in a gift shop sets him on the trail of an international assassin (Rpt) 3.00 SOMETHING else 3.30 CHILDREN'S 3.35 The Littlest Biscuit 3.50 Tilly the Tapeworm 4.00 Run around like a mad bugger and win a Gameboy 4.30 Young Genghis 5.00 BLUE PETER Which is good 5.30 PASSCHENDAELE DRIVE Bert runs over Zoe's coil 6.00 NEWS 7.00 AGUIRRE, WRATH OF GOD Anne Robinson kneecaps a shopkeeper who sold defective flip-flops 7.30 AINSLEY'S BIG COCK-OUT Amusing misprint 8.00 ANIMAL REHAB The team help a budgie strung out on uppers 8.30 SURPRISE! WE REBUILT YOUR HOUSE Mo Mowlam turns Buckingham Palace into a functional modern granny-flat 9.00 NEWS includes 9.08 Melinda's Showbiz Round-up 9.20 Sport with Trev 9.30 PANORAMA The alarming rise in Attention Deficit Disorder 9.33 CARTOON 9.35 THE NIT-NURSES Docusoap. Ethel takes another scalp 10.10 CASTAWAY ISLAND After the failure of the harvest things reach crisis point. Can the community survive? Contains scenes of cannibalism 11.00 FUCK, A MONSTER Bootsy and Snudge investigate a claim that Bigfoot was on the grassy knoll 12.00 STAB! STAB! MAIM! KILL (TVM, 1997) A maniac terrorizes a group of college girls. A nice healthy thriller, not like that ghastly porn over on Five | TWO 9.00 Childrens and schools 12.00 BOWLS Live coverage of the Duckworths' Grout Championship from Scunthorpe 1.00 THE THIRD MAN (1949, b/w) Classic Film, with Orson Welles 2.30 FAWLTY TOWERS The classic dead body episode 3.00 CELEBRITY WARDROBES Catherine Zeta Jones shows off her lingerie collection 3.30 MAGIC MOVIE MOMENTS The scene from 'This Boy's Life' where Robert De Niro kicks the shit out of Leonardo De Caprio [NOTE: Everything from 1.00 to 4.00 will be cancelled in favour of extended coverage of the bowls. Only advertised as a cruel joke] 4.00 WINNIFRED 4.30 COOK ME RAGGED! 5.00 COOK A DUCK! 6.00 THE SIMPSONS (Rpt.) Classic episodes from two weeks ago 6.45 STAR TREK Spock's tennis-elbow is playing up, but as usual McCoy hasn't got a bollocks about Vulcan physiology and is too bog-idle to open a textbook, so he shoots heroin into his feet on a hunch. Meanwhile Scotty has run out of lithium yet again and his manic depression is unchecked 7.30 THE YOUNG VET OF THE YEAR COMPETITION Children bandage up their pets 8.00 THE DIAMOND GEEZER CHEF Jez's efforts to cook bacon sarnies for the posse are hampered when the Bishop of Cheltenham turns up, claiming to be his father and telling him to talk properly 8.30 CARS, ROOMS, GARDENS 10.30 NEWSNIGHT Which is good 11.20 LATE REVIEW Three people compulsively give away the endings of films no-one else has had a chance to see yet 12.00 THE MAD WEATHER BULLETIN The weather for places like bloody Iraq. Who's it for, secret agents about to be sent on missions? 'Ooh, best watch the weather, will I need to wear me vest?' | THREE 9.00 MORAG 'Out of control Nuns'
10.30 BRUNCH WITH THE LUNDTS
1.00 TURN THE PLOW SLOWLY Lafe covets Zachariah's oxen. Gideon puts
ferrets in Saul's henhouse. Desdemona gets a grip of Jethro on the silage heap. 2.00 DICK SPRING 'Your lesbo
crack-whore wife fucks hunchbacks'.
Whatever happened to Watch With Mother? 2.54 DICK SPRING SPECIAL: 'Irate husbands
who stab chat-show hosts'.2.55 DICK SPRING'S FINAL THOUGHT: 'I'm dying, dying, and my
life has been devoted to ugliness and the cheapening of the human soul. Even Hell is too
good for one such as I; annihilation is all I have to hope for, for, in truth, I died
long ago. I bet the ratings will be great, though.' 3.00 SPIN THE HAMSTERGameshow
3.30 CHILDREN'S 3.35 New Scooby-doo Why are the ghosts and monsters real
in the new series? Scooby-doo used to teach kids good rationalist sceptical
humanist values, now it just encourages them to be New Age mush-heads 4.00 Whazzup wiv Dat?
4.30 Sorted! 5.00 COBBERS COVE Daz plots to win the sack race.
Jane plays matchmaker, but where do her own affections lie? Mordred plants an anthrax bomb
in the salon 6.00 NEWS
7.30 THE UMBRELLAS OF CHORLTON Gethyn shocks Mabel by telling her he wants
to eat her corn plasters 8.00
CAROL, THE QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE, HELPS PEOPLE DECORATE AND FIND LOST MONEY AND STUFF
How like her,
the lovely lovely pretty
8.30 THE POLICE WILL BLOODY GET YOU More video footage of miscreants fleeing the police.
The fools! The police have helicopters! And infra-red! And giant robots, I think. 9.00 BEWITCHED Which is good.
Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo doo doo de doo. Esmeralda 9.00 THE IMELDA MARCOS SHOW 10.00 AS THE TWIG IS BENT |
Home
July 2000
NB to the people who keep mailing - yes, I've now seen the other
site that does things like this, no, he didn't rip me off, his was there six months
before this was. And no, I didn't rip him off, I've only recently seen his. It was a case of great minds
ripping off a British magazine called 'Private Eye' thinking alike.