Michael Kelly

Content not suitable for under-18s
Some pieces contain vulgarity and the occasional swear-word


It seems like a good time to re-post this:

Extreme Opera (content caution)


Will whoever has set up a Tw*tter account for Ulrich Haarburste kindly please delete it? I am sure you meant well but self-promotion is not his style, and it has led to him being shunned in Dusseldorf for getting above himself. At a civic reception he attended the Mayor was heard to mutter, 'Here he is now, Mr Megaphone. Perhaps next he will wear platform shoes or a striped tie to draw even more attention to himself.'

Ulrich is very upset by this and if you do not rectify matters quickly is prepared to launch a civil suit for impersonation, defamation, and the infliction of sweaty palms. And I will cut your limbs off and seal your stumpy torso inside a box of bees.


It starts to look as though my new book should be coming out very soon, unless God shits on me yet again. Actually I won't be blasphemous. In this case it is more likely the devil thwarting me, as this book may well redeem the whole world single-handed, like Jesus


I have a new (brand new, as of 2015) torrid and heart-breaking romantic epic published at Fanciful Fiction Auxiliary, your one-stop shop for bosom-heaving, loin-surging and rib-tickling:

Spring Romance


Ooh ooh, quick quick, another Fanciful Fiction story.

This one is by Ulrich Haarburste's protegee Frau Schneemann.


The shock of the new! I have a story up at Fanciful Fiction Auxiliary, home of all that throbs and palpitates. I strongly urge you to read the rest of this most excellent but torrid site.

(In fact you should probably go to their home page first so you get the idea with mine. In a nutshell they do spoof romances - 'Like Barbara Cartland on acid' is one way I've heard them described.)


Due to temporary financial embarrassment I am currently available for hire to do almost anything

Love letters, satirical odes against your enemies, death-threats, megalomaniac ultimatums, homework

Prayers, porn, poetry, pamphlets, post-it notes

Will ghostwrite lavatory graffiti for food


Ulrich Haarburste's book

My other book

As always, check back for news of my new one.

(Probably self-publishing it in the New Year)


The Lost Art of Seduction

Why I Love Victor Mature's Eyelids

How To Be Calm

A Bad Kid


Where I Went for My Holidays

Bio Hazard

A Rare Find

Station XXX

Blood Thirsty

Bible Studies

Online Support Groups

Online Sperm Bank

Some Obscure Saints

Pass Notes

The Detectives' Exchange Scheme

French Intellectuals in Afghanistan

Dear Clarissa

Can We Smoke On Planes Now?

Was ist das 'Go'?

New Humanist Pieces

Your Questions Answered

Rogue Mail

How to Avoid Christmas

Gene Genie

Pour le Cinephiles

Slash Fiction Archive

Interview Archive

Love Birds

Breaking News

Strange Meeting

The City on the Edge of Tomorrow

Around the Galleries



Klotilda: A Fragment

How to Talk Foolish

Fire Brand

Test your Lateral Thinking

Spy Kid


Film Fun


Just Gotta Dance


Second Delivery

Just Found This

Is More

Next Act


Journal of Distraction

Classical Stalker

Rights and Wrongs

Wardrobe Malfunction

Treacher Teacher

Jack Boots

Is Sequel

Doomsday Book

That's Gotta Hurt

Sooty and Sweep Macbeth

In Memoriam

The Martyrdom of Larry Grayson

Deleted Scene from 'Godawful Life'

Around the Forums

Bum Notes

Here Comes the Happy Bus

A Christmas Ghost Story

A Small But Dispiriting Incident


What Happened to the Old Site?



Pour les Bande-Dessinéastes

Chinese Junk

Get a Grip

CRU Files

Grievance Poetry

Slob Poetry

The Little Worm


About Me

Lumber Room


Picture Credits

Ulrich Haarburste

Sample the rest of the delights of
Art of Europe, my kind new hosts

E-mail me (michaelhoratiokelly@yahoo.co.uk)

All material © me
All material written by me
Do not copy without permission