Michael Kelly

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Some pieces contain vulgarity and the occasional swear-word

Jesus Christ. Is this whole world a conspiracy to make me lose my patience? All of a sudden it's hip to suggest taking money away from pensioners. For fuck's sake leave the Baby-Boomers alone. It was moronic five years ago and it's moronic now. My Mum and Dad and probably your Mum and Dad were Baby Boomers, and all they ever did was work their plums off to make the country prosperous only for us to piss it away on Health and Safety Officers, legal aid for thieves to sue to become police officers and murderers to demand cable access, German and Japanese computers to replace perfectly good filing cabinets, mortgages for Detroit crack-heads and bonuses for bankers who invested in Detroit crack-heads, wars to place our ideological enemies in power, housing benefit for Eskimoes, overseas aid for countries with space programmes, university courses on Big Brother Studies and Oedipal Theory of Soap Operas, arresting people who make rude remarks on the internet, duck-ponds and porn for politicians, and bishops to lecture them. Only a tiny percentage of them espoused the Gramscian Marxist ideas that have plagued us and, guess what, those ones are all too filthy stinking rich to need pensions. If we need a national scapegoat I would rather we chose people with beards, especially priests with beards, who are the root of all evil. I will cage-fight you, bishop, I will make you cry for your mother. I will eat your stupid beard before your bruised and bleeding eyes. Your job is to save souls and succour the wounded, prick, not make yourself look important with inane twat-bastard demagoguery. Happy Father's Day, Dad, and thanks for everything. Live life large, claim everything you worked for, devour all the world has to offer. Eat the arse-end out of a Polar Bear if you feel like it. Tell me the story about how you met Brian Epstein in the Cavern Club and said 'You ought to put them in suits' for the umpteenth time. And PS what will our equivalent of Cavern Club stories be, when we're their age? Our tales of the wonderful Internet Era? 'I was there, sat on me arse, clicking.' Fuck off and die, troublesome priest.