Michael Kelly

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Jeremy Clarkson is still on the Leavers = racists kick. Hands up everyone who's punched and insulted an Irishman.


And another thing, the Remoaners have got things all back to front, haven't they? This is change, a great big beautiful shaking up of everything. The smarter and more flexible among the Stay side have already started to realise that and get excited and energised by it and will adapt. The rest, the bitter remnant - they are the side of stasis and obstinate foot-dragging inertia now.


Anyone who's still on the 'Leavers = neanderthal bigots' shit, can you process the fact that an editor of The Guardian voted Leave? And your pin-up boy Assange? And Elizabeth Hurley, who was married to some kind of foreign? And Priti Patel, and Kwasi Kwarteng, and any number of black and Asian voters? Are you capable of taking on board things like that? Are you even capable of knowing them? Do you automatically forget them after reading, like something out of 1984? Fight the process. It's information you need and which requires you to revise your opinions.


Imagine being Farage now. Reviled and derided by the media establishment every day for fifteen years and you stick to your guns and keep going and one day against all the odds you win.

In the final days before the poll two leaflets came through my door. The one from the Leave people was full of economic and political facts and figures and a vision for the future. The one from Remain just had a picture of Farage and a single line like 'Don't let him speak for you' as if that was enough.

All they had was hate.

The thing with Farage - not only, unlike the rest of them, does he remind us of people we know - a funny uncle, a bloke you like down the pub, real human beings in general. Not only had we noticed that, for one thing, he was married to a German, so all the 'Farage is a bigot ha ha ha' BBC comedy was based on a false premise. He answers the questions he's asked. He's very nearly the only politician with a brain fast enough and free enough to actually answer the question an interviewer asks him instead of, like the others, just seizing on one word of it at random and free-associating on it until they're able to get to a pre-prepared tape-loop of some talking point of the day a spin-doctor has given them. I can remember being slightly shocked the first time I saw him do it. 'Mummy, that man scares me, he's listening and responding.'

But liking him wasn't the point. The failure of the others to listen and respond may be.


Unbelievable. They're still issuing orders. 'Britain must apply to leave within two days.' We'll do it when we feel like it, you nagging foreign fuckhead. Then we're going to fill our houses with 100-watt light-bulbs and fast hair-dryers and have terrible orgies with them.

(Note to politicos, we had better be able to buy 100-watt light-bulbs afterwards. They ban things like that, they go. You ban them, you go. No blaming the EU any more. You're responsible now, and responsible to us.)


Afterthought on some of the surprising people, naming no names, who came out for Remain. There are certain people who just turn out to like a good moan, with no interest in doing anything further. And they ought to shut up now, and ought to have done if the vote had gone the other way, on grounds of 'A gentleman doesn't complain about things he doesn't intend to remedy.' You know? It's as if there are people who've based their whole personality on hating baked beans and complaining about spaghetti hoops and saying pilchards in tomato sauce are ruining the country and ketchup is a metaphysical evil, and then someone says, 'OK, we'll close down Heinz' and they go 'Oh don't do that.' Or as if you're running around screaming 'Argh, dinosaurs!' and someone says 'Well let's leave Jurassic Park' and you go, 'No, let's not be hasty, let's make Jurassic Park work for us, perhaps in a few million years they'll turn into mammals.' You know? I'm sure there would be a better metaphor if I was less tired.


Three days later:

You realise, don't you, you politicians and media folk, that if you shaft us now it will mean the end of the political parties if we're lucky, and more likely the end of the country? I mean riots and civil disobedience bordering on civil war? You do realise that? However bad you think this vote is you're stuck with it or something far, far worse.


After the vote:

Ironically, I now have 'Ode to Joy' constantly going through my mind.


'Always keep a hold of nurse for fear of finding something worse.'

The apocalyptic pictures the Remain camp have painted of life outside the EU are a lie. That they have to resort to that, and insults and false allegations, tells you something, namely that that's all they have.

The Leave campaign has been cleaner and more honest, but anyone who tells you it will all be peaches and cream after leaving is lying or deluded too. It some ways it would be the hard thing. It would also be the right thing.

The right thing because we shouldn't be ruled by an unelected body we can't kick out.

Because we shouldn't be governed by 170,000 pages of laws. (Estimated; the EU itself says only a mere 80,000)

By deranged bureaucrats who want to control everything.

Because our small businesses shouldn't have to cope with a mass of petty regulations that favour huge multi-nationals.

Because if unrestricted immigration goes on we'll soon be standing on each others' heads, and there is no way to stop it while we are still in the EU.

Because our working class shouldn't have to have their wages lowered or house prices raised out of their reach by a flood of new arrivals.

Because we should be allowed to control our own borders and kick out undesirables.

Because our tax money shouldn't be going to terrorists.

Or a second tier of overpaid politicians and bureaucrats.

Or be spent without being accounted for.

Because whatever they tell you now, a Remain vote will be taken as a rubber-stamp for greater integration.

Because we are a sovereign nation and free and independent people who should be able to make our own laws.

Because our grandfathers fought and died to defend that right.

Because our children should be allowed to inherit it.

Because taking back control of our own destiny, while it won't solve all our problems, will be a step in the right direction, because nothing, ever, can change for the better if we remain.



My other book

Ulrich Haarburste's book

Also, I may be publishing one or two even newer and much stranger books later in the year


I have a new piece up at Fanciful Fiction


The Lost Art of Seduction

Why I Love Victor Mature's Eyelids

How To Be Calm

A Bad Kid


Where I Went for My Holidays

Bio Hazard

A Rare Find

Station XXX

Blood Thirsty

Bible Studies

Online Support Groups

Online Sperm Bank

Some Obscure Saints

Pass Notes

The Detectives' Exchange Scheme

French Intellectuals in Afghanistan

Dear Clarissa

Can We Smoke On Planes Now?

Was ist das 'Go'?

New Humanist Pieces

Your Questions Answered

Rogue Mail

How to Avoid Christmas

Gene Genie

Pour le Cinephiles

Slash Fiction Archive

Interview Archive

Love Birds

Breaking News

Strange Meeting

The City on the Edge of Tomorrow

Around the Galleries



Klotilda: A Fragment

How to Talk Foolish

Fire Brand

Test your Lateral Thinking

Spy Kid


Film Fun


Just Gotta Dance


Second Delivery

Just Found This

Is More

Next Act


Journal of Distraction

Classical Stalker

Rights and Wrongs

Wardrobe Malfunction

Treacher Teacher

Jack Boots

Is Sequel

Doomsday Book

That's Gotta Hurt

Sooty and Sweep Macbeth

In Memoriam

The Martyrdom of Larry Grayson

Deleted Scene from 'Godawful Life'

Around the Forums

Bum Notes

Here Comes the Happy Bus

A Christmas Ghost Story

A Small But Dispiriting Incident


What Happened to the Old Site?



Pour les Bande-Dessinéastes

Chinese Junk

Get a Grip

CRU Files

Grievance Poetry

Slob Poetry

The Little Worm


Fanciful Fiction Romances

About Me

Lumber Room


Picture Credits

Ulrich Haarburste

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