Michael Kelly

Content not suitable for under-18s
Some pieces contain vulgarity and the occasional swear-word


My newest (and, by an order of magnitude of about a thousand, bestest) book is now coming out incredibly soon, probably. It will cost £200 so start saving, or mugging, or squeezing into satin hotpants. No, ten, for about 5000 pages. No, 500 pages, but good ones, with lots of jokes. Good jokes. Nice ones. Jokes you can tell the vicar, some of them, this time. Well, perhaps that vicar-gone-wild who used to run the Co-op. For Christ's sake will this paragraph ever end? The point is my bloody book's coming out so remain there patiently hitting refresh until I tell you to buy it.

Echo? Reminder to self, you haven't updated for thirty years, most of your former readers are dead, no-one under the age of 90 visits HTML pages any more. Hmmm. Further note to self, buy insurance on the 50,000 books, be sure to choose flammable warehouse.


I have a new (brand new, as of 2015) torrid and heart-breaking romantic epic published at Fanciful Fiction Auxiliary, your one-stop shop for bosom-heaving, loin-surging and rib-tickling:

Spring Romance


Ooh ooh, quick quick, another Fanciful Fiction story.

This one is by Ulrich Haarburste's protegee Frau Schneemann.


The shock of the new! I have a story up at Fanciful Fiction Auxiliary, home of all that throbs and palpitates. I strongly urge you to read the rest of this most excellent but torrid site.

(In fact you should probably go to their home page first so you get the idea with mine. In a nutshell they do spoof romances - 'Like Barbara Cartland on acid' is one way I've heard them described.)


Due to temporary financial embarrassment I am currently available for hire to do almost anything

Love letters, satirical odes against your enemies, death-threats, megalomaniac ultimatums, homework

Prayers, porn, poetry, pamphlets, post-it notes

Will ghostwrite lavatory graffiti for food


Ulrich Haarburste's book

My other book

As always, check back for news of my new one.

(Probably self-publishing it in the New Year)


The Lost Art of Seduction

Why I Love Victor Mature's Eyelids

How To Be Calm

A Bad Kid


Where I Went for My Holidays

Bio Hazard

A Rare Find

Station XXX

Blood Thirsty

Bible Studies

Online Support Groups

Online Sperm Bank

Some Obscure Saints

Pass Notes

The Detectives' Exchange Scheme

French Intellectuals in Afghanistan

Dear Clarissa

Can We Smoke On Planes Now?

Was ist das 'Go'?

New Humanist Pieces

Your Questions Answered

Rogue Mail

How to Avoid Christmas

Gene Genie

Pour le Cinephiles

Slash Fiction Archive

Interview Archive

Love Birds

Breaking News

Strange Meeting

The City on the Edge of Tomorrow

Around the Galleries



Klotilda: A Fragment

How to Talk Foolish

Fire Brand

Test your Lateral Thinking

Spy Kid


Film Fun


Just Gotta Dance


Second Delivery

Just Found This

Is More

Next Act


Journal of Distraction

Classical Stalker

Rights and Wrongs

Wardrobe Malfunction

Treacher Teacher

Jack Boots

Is Sequel

Doomsday Book

That's Gotta Hurt

Sooty and Sweep Macbeth

In Memoriam

The Martyrdom of Larry Grayson

Deleted Scene from 'Godawful Life'

Around the Forums

Bum Notes

Here Comes the Happy Bus

A Christmas Ghost Story

A Small But Dispiriting Incident


What Happened to the Old Site?



Pour les Bande-Dessinéastes

Chinese Junk

Get a Grip

CRU Files

Grievance Poetry

Slob Poetry

The Little Worm


About Me

Lumber Room


Picture Credits

Ulrich Haarburste

Sample the rest of the delights of
Art of Europe, my kind new hosts

E-mail me (michaelhoratiokelly@yahoo.co.uk)

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All material written by me
Do not copy without permission